ramblings of a slave

W

2010-05-26T11:20:00.003-04:00

The quick post is to say with some relief that w is out of the picture. That is far from describing what actually happened though. Mistress and i have a 7 (i think) year relationship and what develops over time is the ability to read each others moods.

w and i met when Mistress intentionally left us alone to "get along" so to speak. I was in the process of reorganizing her clothing cupboards and deciding what to do with all of the extra clothes and believe me she has lots. w and i chatted and he seemed like a nice enough guy. When Mistress arrived i picked up on her mood quickly and she was happy and ebullient and picking up on that i quite happily began to tease her.

I could tell that w was really struggling with this and that he came from the female dominance rule book as fantasized by guys. That's not a shot but a statement of fact, as near as i can tell is that most guys have a view and a pretty severe set of "rules" and code of conduct as to how a Domme is supposed to act.

He really couldn't understand why i had the ability and freedom to say more than yes Mistress or no Mistress and in fact we were both teasing each other. What i knew, and he didn't, is that Mistress could have ended it any time she chose and i would have obeyed instantly. w was absolutely, perfectly obedient but had as much personality as a wet rag and in Mistresses eyes that was unforgivable. Two weeks later she did take him to lunch and explain that if he wanted to serve her she would accept it but he would not be HER slave, the choice was his. He assured her that he wanted to serve her and would accept whatever she chose to give him. Three "dates" and a month later Mistress is now missing her last load of dry cleaning and he wont return her calls or texts.

By the third time that they had met, w was telling her that he loved her and he was devoted to her forever. Boy did that change fast. Mistress has always been an enigma to me in that she has a gift that very few people have in that when she looks at you she has an ability to make you feel like the most important person in the world. She makes strong eye contact with everyone and most guys take this as sexual interest. I cant explain how but she really does project sex to any guy that is with her, not intentionally and she will admit that she has no idea how she does it. I am far from the only guy that has told her this. Strangely though, apart from me, she has had one sexual partner in the 7 years that we have been together.

Mistress feels that if i were to ask w what happened he would say that she isn't a true Domme, after all she allowed me to show personality and a sense of humour, she didn't scene on demand or "use" him sexually. I can understand him moving on to greener pastures but at least have the courage to say goodbye and tell her what dry cleaner she can go to and get her clothes.

So many guys approach Mistress with this belief that they are slaves and all the others are charlatans and as soon as the woman doesn't follow the script that is in their head they accuse her of being phony. No wonder so many Dommes don't have the courtesy to return any messages.

Anyway, w is gone and i have had a temporary reprieve though strangely i don't fear another guy as much as i used to and also strangely, it has only strengthened Mistresses resolve to find someone else. That story i will tell here as it unfolds.

So what happened?

2010-04-06T23:37:00.002-04:00

This trip was different in the sense that Mistress has become comfortable in using me sexually in different ways. Penetrative sex is now her mounting me and no other way. She has come to truly enjoy inflicting pain on me as she rides me. Nipple clamps are her favourite things at times like this. Mistress dislikes me looking at her when in this position and i am usually blindfolded. It is amazing how i have come to concentrate on a break in her body movement which would indicate that she is going to rip the clamps off. My cries when she does this usually mean an orgasm on her part. She truly is beginning to enjoy inflicting pain. As for me it really is a conflict hating the pain and yet wanting to feel it because it makes her so happy.

Mistress has never used the strap on so much as she did this time. Being tied face down as she takes me in such a vulnerable position while staying physically relaxed to be able to absorb her pushing into me is far from easy. Mistress uses these ways as foreplay, she usually has two or three minor orgasms and then demands my tongue. I think it is fair to say that my neck is really quite strong now, thirty minute shifts of oral pleasing does that to you. *g*

I really cant remember the last time that i came but i love the feeling of my body responding to her when she wants it, i crave the feeling of helplessness that i can only respond to her when she wants me. It is such delicious torture.

Then there was w.......

A Trip to VS

2010-04-05T14:17:00.002-04:00

I'm back and a lot happened when i was there. I am still sifting the events through my head but i will write on what transpired. Things have changed.

One little trip to the mall brought some entertainment particularly when we entered that bastion of overpriced lingerie, notably Victorias Secret. They have become quite sophisticated in how they try to sell their product and it was quite a learning experience for me.

My behaviour around Mistress is predicated by her moods and the signals that she sends, and this day she was in a very good mood and happy. That's a signal that i can joke around a bit and i took full advantage and we were having fun.

As we entered the store we were met by the screener who's job (i suspect) is to gauge how serious the customer is direct us in a direction that maximizes the sale, quite impressive really. When Mistress stated that she was there to buy bra's the salespersons suggestion was that she get measured. Ever helpful i held up my hand and spread my fingers stating quite positively that she was about "that size". Mistress was amused....the clerk wasn't. Probably hears it about 20 times a day.

When we were handed off to someone else Mistress went off to get measured and praise the lord but we witnessed a miracle. Mistress went in a 34B and came out a 34D! I really don't think i'm a pervert but the thought went through my head of perhaps going out and coming back in a couple of times. I was impressed.

Mistress returned to the fitting room for what turned out to be a 40 min wait. It really bothers me that womens stores don't put chairs outside the fitting rooms for us poor guys that have to wait. Standing there all alone and looking lonely becomes quite uncomfortable as women go back and forth. I can assure that i didn't get to many friendly looks. The women that were there with their daughters were the least friendly....I really began to feel like a deviant.

Anyway, it was kind of fun and Mistress took me for a beer after so it worked out well. Now if only i could find a mens store that did the opposite, i need my pants to go from a 36 to a 34.

Getting Ready

2010-03-27T18:04:00.002-04:00

Well i am packing my case to go down to see Mistress and she is with her potential new slave today. Both w and i received an email from her last night that basically explained that while she had not decided whether or not she was going to keep him she was definitely going to keep me, but the warning to both of us was that we had better get along and learn to view ourselves as a team serving her. If one of us failed we would both fail.

Mistress was taking w over to a Dom friend of hers whom i have talked about here. M is very skilled with most pain inflicting devices and today w is going to experience electrical play. w is a bit of a masochist and he sent me a note last night and mentioned that although he was nervous he was really looking forward to it. I truly think that i understand how the runner up feels in one of those long drawn out competitions on tv. The kind where the last two are on stage alone and when the winner is announced the runner up has to put on a huge smile and offer sincere congratulations, yeah right! w does seem like a decent guy and i don't wish him badly but i have to admit that i am jealous as all hell even though i know that electrical play is the last thing that i want.

It is strange that in our Mistress/slave relationship i have come to view attention from her as intimacy. That feeling includes pain because even if she is hurting me i have her sole attention. This i suspect is what i am having trouble with. If her attention is directed elsewhere then i have lost it however briefly. Still, the adjustment is the tough part and as Mistress puts it, i will either learn or regret it.

Continuing on

2010-03-24T21:01:00.004-04:00

Today has been a tough one not made any easier by the fact that i didn't sleep last night. I suspect that there is a bottle of Scotch with my name on it when i get home tonight.

I talked to Mistress tonight and it started off badly. Perhaps i have been spoiled in the sense that in the last 7 years i have been Mistresses only intimate partner. My reactions to W are perhaps predictable and obvious but the fact remains that she is my Mistress and she can do what she wants. I know many disagree with the severity of our relationship but it works for us and now the time has come for me to accept her rights. The net result was that Mistress laid out my choices.... accept what she would give me or lose her, it was an easy choice, though not comfortable.

The net result is that Mistress will allow W to serve her while she decides if she will keep him. (he is desperate for her to do so) One of the things that is difficult is the fact that W wants things that i cant provide. I hate pain for instance, W wants it and so does Mistress and she has not been able to indulge that prediliction with me, or at least to the extent that she would like. I hate to feel that i haven't given her everything she wants but the fact remains that we are just built differently. There are other things but that is the gist of it.

I am going to be one of two, (christ that sounds like i joined the borg) and i had better learn to appreciate it. As Mistress puts it, i either please and keep pleasing her or i lose ground to W. There is a perverse irony in knowing the complete humiliation of having no choice but to serve and serve well and to know that by asserting her authority over me i lover her all the more for what she has done to me.

One thing i do know is that im going to have to learn to play nice.

Today

2010-03-24T15:21:00.002-04:00

Well Mistress went to lunch with the "prospect" today and since i think he is going to be around for a while i had better identify him as W. It was hard not to feel melancholic as Mistress excitedly described her date with W. I realize that i am overreacting and that she is flushed with the excitement of a new admirer, and most important i hate to sound like a whiner but i think my days are numbered.

They have been seeing each other for three weeks now and the last week has been daily which hasn't done much for my peace of mind. I know that i am feeling sorry for myself and perhaps it is a sad situation that the only place that i can vent is my blog but that is what i am doing.

Any port in a storm i suppose.

A New Direction

2010-03-23T23:21:00.000-04:00

I started the blog as a personal way to try and understand my feelings and how they reacted with dealing with a Femdomme relationship. I fully admit to being an emotion junkie, i truly never feel more alive than when i am feeling the highs or the lows, and yes i have been treated for depression. The long gap since the last post i think has ensured that nobody reads this anymore so i suppose it is only fitting to use the blog for the reason that it was intended. I have come full circle.

Despite our distance we still talk two or three hours a day and my car has a lot of miles on it from highway 81. The gap was simply because i had nothing to say. We were in cruise control and it was fabulous, i love Mistress with such a passion that its scary. Her control is complete and i am addicted, she is my drug. I will not try to explain how i feel that Mistresses ownership has changed but it is so complete and words just don't express how i feel, at least not with my writing skills.

The reason for breaking the silence is simple. Mistress, it seems may have found another slave and he lives close to her and i am struggling to deal with it. He seems like a nice guy and cares about her. I am not disputing her right to take another slave but i cant help but think of the future and i cant express how much it hurts. She has seen him every day since they met and though it hasn't interfered with my time i just feel that it is inevitable that this will happen. We see each other often, usually for a week at a time and i live for those trips. Mistress truly is the focus of my life and i just cant face up to losing that special spot in hers.

Mistress assures me that she will never release me and i believe her, but i have to think that my time with her will change and it hurts so much. I knew it was coming and still it hurts. I kinda feel like the guy that has his job sent to India and gets to train his replacement.

I'm down, really down and there isn't enough alcohol in the world tonight to take away the hurt that i'm feeling, but i will beheading down in five days and i will see how things are.

I will find a way .....i always do.

The Power of Language

2009-10-23T17:05:00.000-04:00

Recently, Mistress sent me to serve a dominant couple that live close to me. They have a rule of speech that gave me no end of difficulty and thinking it about it after made me realize how clever their rule was, and how binding and corrective language can be.

The rule is, on the surface quite easy. Every order is to be answered with a "Sir, yes Sir." Every sentence that I utter is to start and end with "Sir."

I have heard of Dominants insisting that their submissives speak in the third person and i have always thought it silly but i would never condemn anyone for doing it. It was only as i was using this speech pattern (or trying to) that i realized how binding it was. The response to an order wasn't so bad, but enclosing every sentence with Sir was very difficult and restrictive. What i realized was that while using everyday speech i have a habit of forming my next comment or answer as the other person speaks so as to respond as soon as they finish. Because i had to concentrate on HOW i would answer it forced me to wait and therefore i concentrated on their words. It turned out to be an extremely effective behaviour modification device. It forced me to wait. It made me feel like a supplicant being forced to wait until the Dominant had completely finished their sentence.

The most difficult of all, were the questions that required an explanation as part of the answer. Try answering "why cant you kneel for very long?" with "Sir, i had knee surgery five years ago sir." A persons impulse is to just to respond to the question as efficiently as possible and a lifetimes habit is hard to shake. Much more difficult to do than you may think. Try it some time.

I never would have believed that simple language could be so binding and controlling but believe me it is.

An effective lesson learned

Missed Date

2009-09-23T12:02:00.000-04:00

One of the by products of our recognition that we are not going to live together is the ability of Mistress to distance herself from me emotionally. I don't mean that she has become some cold calculating Uber Domme but rather she has learned to temper her behaviour toward me with less emotion. The net result is an increase in the defining of our roles as Mistress/slave which unexpectedly for me at least has initiated a level of intensity within me that i just didn't realize existed. What i suspect is that when you know that you have someones confidence and trust, as well as a priority on their time a natural evolution occurs in that you unconsciously take those feelings for granted. What has developed now, on my part is a greater appreciation of the time i get whether it be phone, text or in person, which in turn is quickly recognized by her and taken advantage of. The lack of postings here would indicate a lack of interest but strangely enough the opposite has been true. Recently, i have had ideas and thoughts for blog entries gushing out, the problem is that the emotions for me are to strong ....to raw.

Recently, Mistress made contact with a Dominant couple that are relatively close to me geographically. She contacted them, met them with the net result that she arranged to give me to them as a service slave. As far as i know that is the extent of it at least for the trial period. No scening, no fantasies, no sexual contact, nothing except serving them on a platonic basis. The initial arranged date was set three weeks in advance, today in fact and my struggle with my thoughts over that time period is what i wish to recant here.

I think that i am somewhat unusual in that not much about BDSM activities interests me very much, yes i have a foot fetish, yes i get a buzz when i address Mistress by her title but thats about it. I don't like pain ...AT ALL, i dont like humiliation or cross dressing or bondage or pretty much any other kink but i AM addicted to service. I love brushing Mistresses hair and doing her nails and preparing her meals, cleaning house and on and on and on. So when Mistress told me what would be happening with this couple i really had mixed feelings, being given to others really had no appeal to me in fact i was mildly turned off. The fact that it was described as a pure service assignment left me thinking that, "shit, this is going to be boring". Dutiful slave that i am, the net result was that i shrugged my shoulders and resigned myself to it, after all it was still three weeks away. Last weekend Mistress met them and the sum explanation that i got was that they were very experienced, very attractive and very smart. Not much to go on but much better than two Rednecks in a trailer park. *g*

By now of course a certain amount of urgency is creeping in as it was only five days away, would they like me? Would i like them? How demanding would they be? How formal?
My brain was telling me that the best way to go forward was to embrace the service aspect which had the effect of creating pleasure at the challenge. Added to this was Mistresses comment that i was hers and what i did reflected on her. With this concept planted firmly in my head i felt my feelings changing slowly but surely, there was no way on Earth i would disappoint Mistress and even though i knew i was being manipulated the desire to please them and get a good report was gaining strength.

Long story short.....they cancelled yesterday and while i must stress that i wasn,t disappointed it really felt like a body blow. It was very much like preparing myself for a major sports event (yes i still remember that far back) or giving a speech in front of a lot of people and at the last second it is cancelled. The adrenaline drop was palpable. I was completely caught off guard at how strong the reaction was. The interesting thing to me was how my feelings changed over the time period and how strong my desire to please Mistress is, even when it is manifested through others.

The funny part about all of this was that i was at a Discovery this morning and the object of a lawyers interrogation which can be emotionally draining and as i was driving away i thought to myself today would have been a perfect day to lose myself in mindless chores for someone.

Oh Well *g*

Part 2

2009-08-11T13:52:00.000-04:00

Thankfully, Mistress brought it to a head that evening and we talked it out into the early hours of the morning. The not so startling conclusion was that we just couldn't pretend to be what we were not, and to just relax and be ourselves.

The ensuing sex was magnificent, well at least for Mistress. I know this because i achieved the "holy grail" of orgasms. The holy grail of course is an OMFG. I should point out that Mistress much prefers to be pleased by my tongue, to the point that penetrative sex just doesn't happen much anymore. She is also multi orgasmic and the intensity of her orgasms tends to strengthen as they happen. The physical peak usually happens at number four and every so often i get the intensity to the point that she will mutter "oh my f*****g god!" It's at that point i start punching the air and listening to the strains of the Rocky theme music.

I love pleasing Mistress i truly do, my desire to please has become the cornerstone of our relationship. It does not matter if it is cleaning, brushing her hair,sexual service or anything in between, i absolutely am addicted to sensing her pleasure when i do something that pleases her. I am by nature a lazy person i think, and always thought that i would never be able to live as service slave in a 24/7 relationship. In my more candid moments i believed that the novelty would wear thin and my basic nature would assert itself. It turns out that my basic nature is actually my desire to be her slave and it is quite a revelation to come to terms with that. For the longest time i struggled with the idea that Mistress wouldn't want me if i became the dependent slave and i had so much difficulty coming to terms with it that i fought the committment. Mistress demonstrated incredible patience with me and eventually i accepted what i was and that Mistress actually was happy that i could devote so much of myself to her so completely.

Anyway, while my initial reaction was to resent the lost time on the trip i have come to accept that it was a necessary lesson for both of us. While it may be fun to have Mistress act as "Super Domme" as an occasional play session it just isn't us. While Mistresses control is absolute and i never forget that control, it is just to important for us both that we can still laugh and joke together, not to mention throwing the occasional snowball at her head. Not only are we Mistress and slave but we are friends and good friends at that.

Looking forward to the next trip though.

A different trip Part 1

2009-07-29T13:28:00.000-04:00

I have truly come to admire the bloggers that have maintained their writings over such a long period of time, particularly when focusing on a subject like Femdom which only has so much that a person can write about.

While this blog has been "going" for four years now i really am struggling to find new subjects that aren't boring as hell. I am quite sure that i do not want to write about a shopping trip with Mistress and i am doubly sure that any readers are even less inclined. I have read that the secret to a successful blog is to post regularly which makes sense, and so on recent offerings i guess i am doomed to failure.

A big part of the problem that i have now is that so much of happens between us has been written about and is in effect boring. I mean what is the point of describing how i do various chores for her. On the flipside with what has happened with our "breakup" is that so many of our discussions are still to emotionally raw for me to share. It is so hard to watch Mistresses actions, praying that she wont take them and yet at the same time know that her actions are not only justified but make complete sense and if i am honest with myself i agree with her. Despite this, it is still hard to sit staring at my computer or telephone hoping against hope that she will contact me when she is on a date.

I am just back from a week with Mistress and it was the most bizarre of trips. Before i went down we had talked and sort of decided that Mistress needed to maintain an emotional "wall" between us, as much to protect herself as anything else. I understood and swallowed my disappointment and understood that i would be serving her in a more distant fashion. To be honest the thought of this arrangement excited me in a fantasy sense. I visualized myself as the poor miserable slave serving the all powerful, cold, calculating Mistress and boy did i find out that some fantasies should stay as just that. It was awful, while i served her as usual in every possible manner from housework to showering her to sexually pleasing her its the click of emotions that make everything work. It was so noticeable that i actually wondered how Pro Dommes make it work!

It is hard to explain, but even though Mistress doesn't tell me loves me every day i can sense that she does and it makes all the difference, and her cold indifference really threw me for a loop. I can understand her need to protect herself emotionally and the necessity to maintain a distance but she did it to well. I truly thought that at the end of the week she was going to tell me we were finished and would not meet again .....it was horrible.

My defence to this behaviour was to do basically the same thing, i become the invisible slave, serving her in silence venturing nothing..... We BOTH HATED IT. This lasted for four days and culminated in a restaurant when we went out for dinner and the waitress asked Mistress who the handsome funny guy was that she had been there with the previous week.

I was crushed............

The power of a Domme

2009-07-27T13:56:00.001-04:00

I came across this post in a blog that i enjoy reading, so i thought i would post it and my response.

"A few days ago I read an article in which a dominant woman contended that withholding domination from a man is just as bad as withholding sex. She added that women have an obligation to understand the needs of their men.

Initially I went on to share my thoughts regarding this philosophy, but I realized that to varying degrees, I’ve already addressed this. Rather than repeating myself, I thought I would offer the floor to you. Do you agree or disagree, and why?"

http://ladyjulia.net/myblog/

My response;

Lady Julia,

For the longest time I have said to Mistress that dominant women really don’t understand the power that they have. The only flaw that I find the Domme that you quoted is that I think she underestimates the importance of her withholding domination.

While I can only speak for myself I have found that I can live without sexual release (after all that’s why god invented alcohol *g*) when I am not feeling Mistresses control I feel like I have lost my best friend, which I suppose in a sense is true. When I say control I don’t envision Mistress striding around in latex with crop in hand but the person who is always at the back of my mind guiding me. As you know, our relationship has recently changed and I have been struggling, even to the point when last week, a woman I work with asked me if I was ever going to smile again. What I do mean though is the little things, like researching a product that she is considering buying or like today when she asked me to compare some medical coverage she was about to change. I check most of Mistresses email daily and produce a report alerting her to what needs her attention. These are small things but they are so rewarding and meaningful to me.

I have read so often of the “gift” that the submissive offers by submitting which I have really come to regard as ridiculous, if there is a gift involved it is that of the woman allowing me to serve her. I am absolutely totally addicted to the rush of pleasure that I get when I can sense or hear that I have got my service to her just right. To feel her hand gently touching me and hear the “good boy” is like nothing else. Am I being mushy? Absolutely, but also entirely honest.

So to answer your question, I disagree. The Domme that you quote just doesn’t go far enough. *grin*

jssubc

Where we are....

2009-06-30T13:37:00.000-04:00

Things have moved on and i have hesitated to post mostly because we are still in a state of flux though that is now settling, but more so because my emotions were raw. It is amazing how in six years that our lives became so entangled even though there was no "legal" agreements. I think the world of Mistresses children and i know her friends and we truly truly just plain like each other.

We talk to each other at least twice a day and there came a point where we realized that we didn't want to part company nor could we. The question became where do we go from here? I haven't mixed with many other Femdom couples but I tend to think that ours is a more structured Mistress-slave relationship than most, but having said that i have come to believe that for these relationships to survive they must evolve, i know ours did.

So here is where we stand. (well one of us at least *g*) We get together as much as we can which looks like on average a few days a month. In essence we have become a long distance relationship with monthly highlights. Yes, it would seem to be a recipe for a train wreck. We are lucky in the sense that in many ways we work together as in making a living and as such we have no shortage of conversation subjects but there still can be some dead spots.

Mistress has told me that in a rather perverse way this arrangement has intensified her feelings about me as a slave in a far more draconian sense. From her point of view she has to some extent been able to emotionally distance herself from me and use me more to serve her and less as a romantic partner. I wont say to much more on this as it is best she describe this in her own way and perhaps she may even post her thoughts here.

For myself it is incredibly difficult. I have been miserable, even to the point where a friend asked me if i was ever going to smile again, its surprising what we show to others without realizing it. Over the time together i became incredibly devoted to her, i would probably be best described as a service slave. I truly love to do things for her and i don't mean things that are a trade off. (I'll clean your house if you will let me .......) Sexually, we do not kiss much anymore and i am rarely inside of her as she prefers to use my tongue and i love the fact that multi orgasms come easily to her. I do know that when she goes on a date i feel like the world is coming to an end and in a sense i suppose it could but to this point she has not replaced me.

One thing that has become obvious is that strangely her control has increased, as she puts it "there is less need to work on the future" and her expectations have increased in terms of the things that i do for her. It is surprising how much a secretary can accomplish long distance. I find it truly remarkable how she has been able to put up a "wall" between us and yet i have never felt so close to her or needed her so much. I suspect that i am feeling the "always want most what you cannot have effect". I feel so helpless and like a lab rat, i pine when i am not talking to her and i am disproportionately grateful when i do get her attention, i truly feel trapped.....and yet thankful.

I feel a little better getting that off my chest and thank you to those that have written to me, i cannot say how much your words have helped.

More to follow....

A Reprieve?

2009-05-16T23:35:00.000-04:00

Despite what was in the last post I got to spend last weekend with Mistress. It was one of those bittersweet times you tell yourself you shouldn't participate in but just cant help yourself.

I came away with two contradictory feelings. On the one hand things were as good as they have always been, the service, pleasing her, playing tourist at Harpers Ferry and most of all just plain talking to her, we really do just plain enjoy being in each others company. On the other it was so hard to miss that little spark of intimacy, that particular warmth in her eyes....it just wasn't the same.

I am really not sure what the future will bring but for now i will relish the time that i get with Mistress.

And in the End?

2009-04-28T09:23:00.000-04:00

The reason i started this blog was to use it as a way to express my feelings and the struggles that i was going through as my life as a slave developed, in short it became a therapeutic release, one that i came to need less and less as i embraced the life style.

Mistress and i have been together for six years now and i can truly say that they have been the happiest of my life. I am absolutely positive that if i hadn't met her when i did i would not be around now. At the time i was a year past a heart attack, my business was on the verge of bankruptcy, i was dealing with an ex-partner that had stolen a lot of money from me, not to mention that i was being treated for depression, in short, my life was a mess. I really believe that if we had not met i would have committed suicide.

It has not been easy the last couple. Mistress living in the States and myself in Canada the time apart from each other became tougher and tougher even though we were spending half the year with each other in monthly increments. The cold hard fact is that i cant go to the States for medical reasons and she cant come here for custody reasons, not to mention that i have a business to run so that i can afford to live.

Mistress reached the decision that at 40 years old she cant live in limbo and needs to get on with her life, a decision that i cannot argue with. We have talked endlessly about solutions but we keep hitting a brick wall and we need to move on. Much as it hurts, and heavens does it hurt, i cannot in all conscience ask her to live a part life.

i have come to believe that the joy of a BDSM relationship is the emotional "highs" that are achieved, i view it as vanilla plus! Over the six years i find that i have become addicted to these emotions and i mean that in the truest sense. A reader may scoff or laugh but i can not even get an erection now without her participation and no, i do not exaggerate. You may say that i am weak or broken, but frankly i don't really care, i am what i am and i do not believe that i will ever share that emotional intensity again...... It hurts like hell.

Mistress knows that she will always be able to talk to me or summon me and i should stress that there is absolutely no bad feelings, quite the opposite in fact. It is surprising how habits come to dominate our days and so much of mine was allocated to her. Morning call, lunchtime call, after work call. What did we find to talk about? I haven't a clue, but we did. This is quite possibly the hardest part, Mistress has stopped those calls and i know that she is not being nasty, just trying to wean herself away from me emtionally. To see Mistress conscously move away from me just tears me apart, even though from a logical point of view it makes total sense and i understand and even support it. I never realized how much i would miss those first words in the morning of "morning slave".

I really do not know what will happen next, i know that i will not seek another Mistress when i have been so close to having a dream come true i could not be happy with anyone else and it just would not be fair to either. I may add to this blog though i suspect i will close it down, there is something very lonely about a forgotten blog, particularly one that ended badly.

They say that time heals all wounds........we shall see.

Who am i?

2008-12-02T11:29:00.000-05:00

An interesting quandry presented itself to me this morning. Mistress has been talking to an additional potential slave and encouraged him to contact me via email. The nature of our discussions is irrelevant but he is obviously and naturally curious. It was only as i was signing off on my response that i realized that i wasnt sure how to. I use jssubc here and on just about any BDSM format but Mistress never uses my name anymore, she just refers to me as slave. Though obviously not true in the vanilla world, (she uses my name) it is surprising how little my name gets used. When we are together it is usually in the company of others who know of our relationship and she only uses the term "slave" from which others take their cue.
Small things can make me wonder for ever (no anatomy jokes here) but i really puzzled whether to sign off as jssubc, my name, or quite simply as slave. Guess i had better ask the boss. *grins*

Trust

2008-11-09T12:45:00.000-05:00

In the last post i shared some feelings that may make some people uncomfortable and i can understand this. i have to believe that none of what Mistress and i do could be achieved without my complete and absolute trust in Her.
At one time i used to think that a "Collar" was such and important declaration of a BDSM relationship and while i do not dispute it, i have to believe that it is just not that important to me anymore. Don't get me wrong, i love wearing my collar which is far more akin to jewelry than a dog collar. My collar is a Titanium band, very distinctive and i think really attractive. i have no issues wearing it anywhere but what people cant see is that it has a locking clasp which can only be opened with a special tool, in short.... i'm not getting it off. When i say that i have no issues wearing it i don't mean to imply that i have a choice but rather i don't think it is appropriate that we flagrantly flaunt our choice of lifestyle to the outside world, particularly in front of children. Mistress and i just believe that is wrong. If my collar were to disappear it wouldn't change anything between Mistress and i, we would both continue as before but our lifestyle can only be achieved because of the amount of trust we place in each other.
Trust is something that just cannot be replaced i feel. i do not have a safeword nor do i think i need one. i place such absolute trust in the fact that Mistress knows me so well and wont abuse it. Yes She will push me hard but She knows when She has gone beyond my limit and will stop immediately. There have been times that i have felt Mistress is pushing me to hard and to Her credit Mistress has realized it as well and has backed off to bide Her time. Once upon a time i couldn't cope with Mistress leading me on a leash in front of others at a BDSM function. Once upon a time i couldn't countenance calling another man Sir. The list goes on but i have always trusted Mistress not to hurt me permanently both physically and mentally, She just bides Her time and leads me where She wants me to go eventually.
For the most part Mistress and i are very similar in our likes and dislikes, both in D/s and life in general which makes things so much easier. The reason i feel that everything works is because i am so comfortable putting my trust in her, She knows me better than i know myself i think. i can hear comments that no safeword is dangerous but Mistress knows me, knows my body and She can truly tell when something has gone to far just by my reactions. That's not to say that Mistress wont push hard, after all She's a Domme and wants what She wants but i have never feared for my safety with Her and no matter where She leads i am happy to follow ....isnt it great????/

Recent Events Concluded

2008-11-09T00:41:00.000-05:00

Mistress was dressed for bed and reading a book on the couch when i got back. Sitting opposite her i struggled to put my thoughts in a reasonable sequence but i was hurt and wounded, i desperately wanted to lash out. Mistress sat quietly and placidly as i vented, trying hard to repay some of what i had felt. Mistress has always maintained that she was not a "pain delivery system", which is her response to the masochistic "do me" subs that so constantly approach her. i told Mistress never to kid herself in the future that she wasn't a sadist as i would could call her a liar. As you can tell, i had thrown caution to the winds and Mistresses calm demeanour infuriated me more i so badly wanted to get back at her for what she had done to me.
i have no idea how long i rambled but i eventually just fell to the floor and kissed her feet submitting once again. To her credit Mistress didn't gloat and merely ran her fingers through my hair as i knelt beside her, the tension flowing out as i couldn't help but admit to myself how helpless i was.
i find our whole relationship a series of contradictions, i hate punishment yet i crave for Mistress to punish me. i want to be lazy yet i want Mistress to never accept less than everything She wants. i hate having Mistress peeing on me yet i love the absolute power She wields over me. The list goes on but kneeling in front oh her was yet another example, i hated what She had done to me this night and yet i loved Her for it. i loved that She had taken me to a place that She only wanted to go with me. i wanted and needed Mistress to demonstrate that She had absolute control over me and would do with me whatever She wanted. i truly craved the belief that i belonged to Mistress in the most absolute of terms and i reveled in it.
Long may it continue.

Recent Event continued

2008-11-04T23:38:00.000-05:00

Taken into the bedroom i was hogtied and hooded beside the bed. Lying face down on the floor in darkness has a very profound effect i can assure you. i am not sure that other senses get any stronger but you certainly become more aware of them. In this particular case, sound became a friend and an enemy. i say friend because it allowed me to to pretty much understand everything that was happening around me and enemy because it filled in the blanks in the worst possible way.
i was stuck on the floor, immobile and blind. i could hear clothes being removed and the bed creaking, i could hear sounds of passion and physical contact. i could feel the rope tightening as i was forced to listen to their passion and i was miserable.
It was hard very hard to listen to someone that i love share that intimacy with someone else and the hurt that i felt because of it made the ropes that much tighter. i know many guys would get off on this situation and i don't judge them but i am not one of them. i am however a slave, and i truly get off on serving my Mistress in whatever way she wants. The shock that i feel in how much i will do to please her never ceases to amaze me. i truly do not know how long they spent together it seemed like forever but i tend to think it was a couple of hours. There was a lot of foreplay (at least i think so ) as well as breaks, including one to retie me on my back as my shoulders were really starting to hurt. On that subject i have come to conclude that i think the hogtie is such a powerful method of restraint. Mentally is sends me to levels that nothing else can, it's just that Mistress really cant do to much with me when i'm that position. Imagine, if you will, lying in darkness with your hands pulled back behind you, not cruelly but uncomfortably, your legs in much the same way and having to listen to the woman you love exuding moans of passion with someone that you have never know before that night. The mental torture was excruciating and yet like so much of this lifestyle the humiliation was an unwelcome piston firing my brain cells.
Things got worse when Mistress left the bed and mounted my face a couple of times yet left me and returned to M before she orgasmed to which M jokingly started to refer to me as his "fluffer". So many times i asked myself why i would do this and yet i know i cannot leave. Someone reading this who has not experienced this feeling or doesnt understand will consider me sick im sure, but that doesnt change how i feel and i dont want it to be any different.
Before this turns into a litany of poorly written pornography i will state that other things happened but there is no point in repeating them. As M was leaving, Mistress ordered me to kiss his boots (more shame) and laughed hard as she closed the door. i could take no more and threw on my clothes, grabbed a credit card and practically ran to the closest bar. The bar itself was a quiet comfortable lounge, perfect for me to sort out my thoughts and i sat in front of a TV to digest them. My brain was in overdrive and i was freezing up. To many thoughts and emotions were coming, i just couldnt prioritize them, they were to many, to recent, to raw. According to the bill, in less than an hour i drank three draft and two scotches. I think i could have drank a lot more that night and not felt a thing, scientifically silly i know but the adrenalin was running so hard that it just seemed that way. I walked back slowly and as i thought i realized that i had spent an hour less than 20 feet from a large screen TV and i couldnt tell You one thing that had been on....not one.
to be continued ....again

Recent Event

2008-10-28T16:52:00.001-04:00

I have been using my usual procrastination to put off writing this post due to extreme discomfort and embarrassment,,,,mine, but Mistress has gently raised the subject three times now and due to fear of even greater discomfort i have decided to put fingertips to keyboard. Its not that i dislike writing, quite the opposite, its like going to the gym, a pain in the arse getting going but once you have started its very enjoyable. Writing that is.
Mistress and i have been together 6 years now, at least in varying ways and things have steadily changed and evolved, almost always for the better. Mistress raised the stakes significantly last week and brought an outsider in to the equation. Mistress had met a Dom at a social function and formed a friendship which has evolved to include sexual intimacy. In my less jealous moments i can be amused as they both want control and have had to settle for a vanilla truce. Mistress invited this Dom over for dinner and other things, needless to say i wasn't impressed but whats a slave to do?
The dinner part was a piece of masterful planning on my part, take out from the local Indian. They ate i served, they drank i poured, they talked and i observed, you get the picture. Everyone has their own kinks and some are more difficult than others. What one submissive may get off on does not always mean i will and vice versa. One of the hardest things for me is serving other males, addressing them as sir etc. Mistress knows this and takes a certain amount of sadistic glee in having me do just that. When i walked in with the food the first sight i saw was Mistress sitting on his lap facing him with her knees on either side of him, kissing him as they talked. This is the first time that i have seen Mistress kiss another guy and it was jolt, the shock was as much as a slap in the face..... Literally. I don't know why it bothered me so much i really don't, my urge was to pull her off and confront him but i lowered my head and served dinner. Sometimes it is hard being a slave.
i have no cuckolding fantasies, no desire to be beaten, i particularly dislike sharp pain in fact Mistress says i don't like anything, which makes it so easy to push my buttons. The Dom (i'll call him M) is experienced and though he didn't particularly care, Mistress insisted that i address him as sir which for some reason i have an unreasoning abhorrence for, but Mistress slapped my face hard when i forgot to use the honorific one time. Highly humiliating!
With some creative rope tying M secured me to a low coffee table standing in such a way as to make me lean forward on my hands but push my rear end in the air secured by my wrists and ankles, completely exposed. The wait was awful, fear has a way of creeping in no matter how i tried to rationalize it. Mistress and M discussed me casually as if i wasn't there which in and of itself is incredibly humiliating. M has a pretty good understanding of slave psychology and stated to her that i would "take it to please my Mistress", unfortunately he was right. Thankfully M was skilled with the whip and though it hurt a lot i know he could have made it hurt much much more. Its strange how instead of hating him for the pain he caused i was grateful for the pain he didn't. My resentment instead turned to Mistress who was quite happily "forgetting" how many strokes i had received and thought my pain, and struggle not to show it was quite funny. i have to admit that at that time i hated her i truly did and yet, i loved her and so desperately wanted to please her. Despite my rage all i could think of was release and crawling to her feet to worship her. i was doing this for her and i craved and needed her approval. I really do not know how many strokes i received and hated every stroke. When the whipping stopped Mistress inspected her property and the damage, commenting that she was disappointed at the lack of broken skin though she found my sheen of sweat and the smell fascinating. M commented that it was the smell of fear and quite natural. i never knew that sweat could smell differently but Mistress assured me it did and M said it was quite normal. Personally i would rather not do any more research on it, well at least not with my sweat.

to be continued........

3 spirals

2008-08-21T21:25:00.000-04:00

As jssubc and I come up to our 6th anniversary it occurs to Me to think about some of the major issues that we have touched on and continue to touch on with each other.

In our very long, and intense conversation today we managed to hit three of them in a row that have been issues with us since the first day of our meeting but... first let Me digress to 'the spiral'.

I'm not sure if I have mentioned it before but the symbol of a spiral has become a very important one to Me, and I believe to jssubc. Think of a nautilus (http://www.pbase.com/jacklouis/image/79453950 for example). One can walk that path getting closer and closer to the center yet seeing the same things and getting deeper into them. I'm waxing overly philosophical I think but stick with Me.

These issues have come up other and over between us hundreds of times and each time they do they end up taking us deeper and deeper into understanding ourselves and each other and our various roles. They have been fights, and discussions and leaps of faith and points of trust for one and other. They have been things we have looked back on ruefully or laughing at ourselves. Perhaps you have your own spirals, perhaps these are yours too? I know there are more than these three but they come to mind right now.

1. Will he/she still love me if...?
If I am so submissive I lose myself in her. If I am so dominant that I lose My ability to be rational with him. If I am an emotional black hole of submission that has no limits and is twisted and perverse. If I am an emotional black hole of domination and can take without limits and am twisted and perverse. If I become a worm in-front of her will she not be disgusted with Me and leave? If I become totally selfish and demanding and cold won't he become disgusted with Me and leave?

2. Give to Me/Take from me
I have said to jssubc for 6 years "The more you give Me, the more I'll take". And he has responded at times with "the more You take, the more I'll give you". And it has been an interesting spiral indeed. I prefer to be given because I believe that the greater submission is in giving. he prefers (to do what I want but never mind that) to be taken because the loss of control is more direct. Over the years as one of us takes or gives and we learn more about giving submission and taking submission it has been a lovely spiral.

3. Faking it.
jssubc has been able to stop Me with a simple phrase, at least in the beginning of our relationship. That phrase went something like this. "Fine, if you want me to pretend to feel that way you just had to tell Me that you didn't care that I was faking it". It was brilliant. It played on so many issues for Me! And I would protest I didn't want "fake feelings". Then I wised up. I realized that it was a way of saying "hey you! Domme girl! MAKE ME FEEL THAT WAY". And slowly but surely I have learned how to do just that. Now I know how to make him feel the way I want. This has been a terrific spiral, one we come up against in so many ways unexpectedly. (Yes you do WANT to go to the quilt show slave, you aren't faking it!)...and it has been a wonderful source of knockdown dragout fights too!

Anyway. I don't know what you can look back on and see were the things that brought you closer and closer together but these have been three wonderful, intense spirals for us and I just wanted to write them down.

Non possumus bibere tota die, si non incipimus bibere bene mane.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere
-G.K. Chesterton

A Three (+) Recap

2008-08-20T13:09:00.000-04:00

I have been scanning my history of posts which surprisingly cover more than 3 years although there are some pretty big gaps in them. I was struck by how how much and how little has changed.
Some of those posts are downright embarrassing while others i think are naive and simplistic. On the whole though i am satisfied that it is good indication of how things have progressed.
I would post more but there is only so much i can say about our Femdom relationship and i don't flatter myself enough to think that anyone is interested in my day to day life. I read a comment a while back on a blog that troubled me in that it mocked how so many blogs by male submissives started off so enthusiastically and died a quick death. I agree, but again i repeat that there is only so much that i can write about our relationship. I started this as a way to vent my feelings and troubles. My ego got in the way when i started to receive so many hits and private messages.
A stagnant blog is a pretty sad thing to look at and i wanted to take this down except that Mistress flat out refused to allow it, so that put an end to that thought.
I have always known that i was a slave to the right person but in looking back i realize that my definition now is completely different to what is was 5-10 years ago. As i tell Mistress, i am just like fine wine, i just get better as i age. Her response is something like "even the best wine tastes bad if taken with the wrong cheese". I understand now that what i thought what i wanted 20 years ago is so different from what i have become. I believe that i had no understanding of what was possible but i could indeed SENSE it.
The depth of emotion that can be achieved by belonging to right woman is such an incredible feeling that it is impossible to describe. Along the way i have come to realize that i am an emotion junkie. I can't describe how much i get off on strong emotions and how addictive they are. There is nothing more satisfying than holding Mistress tightly, overwhelmed with a desire to please Her and wanting, needing to get inside Her skin. There are others, the shame i feel when i know that i have not lived up to Her expectations or i have let Her down. The self directed anger that i get when i don't do something right for Her. I just love that little smile on Her face that She gets when i do something for Her and i get it just perfect, She knows that i did it for Her and She will use my desire for Her advantage. I have felt humiliated that i felt so grateful for a smile and a simple "good boy" from Her and yet, that is the nature of the relationship. Yep, definitely addicted and i am happy.
To be continued..........

Long Time no Post

2008-08-13T00:15:00.000-04:00

Well its been 6 months now since i posted and a lot has happened. While I was away Ontario voted itself a government based on bigotry, Obama disposed of Hilary, the olympics are underway under the auspices of a bunch of thugs and a mini (lets hope) war started in Georgia. The changeover in administration in the blogworld somehow managed to lose my id and password and quite frankly I couldn't be bothered to take the steps needed to recover it. Mistress finally did it for me while muttering what sounded something like "incompetent idiot".
For legal reasons i am back, and no we have not split up though our relationship has most certainly changed. For the better? who knows but if you're not evolving you are withering, so time will tell.
It will take some time but I am sure that we will soon be together again permanently. perhaps I will elaborate at some point but not now.
I have had many private emails asking me to resume writing and for those I thank you. I will try because the blog has been on my mind a lot but no promises. My main reason for the blog was to help me work through the mental struggles of a Femdom relationship. It seems so simple but the intensity can be so overwhelming, and so putting down my thoughts here helped a lot.
What has been surprising though is the intensity has been steadily increasing and to the point that I am uncomfortable sharing those thoughts, even through the anonymity of this format. It seems that every few months I say to myself "it just cant get and more intense" and yet it can.
I always thought of myself as a slave to the right woman, and if you go back through the entries you will see that I quite happily announced it, and meant it. It is only now though that I have come to realize that 3-4 years ago when I was stating I was a slave I had no clue of what a slave was!
The feelings and the depth of the relationship are something that I just cannot explain and I am not even sure that I want to, all I know is that I go deeper into submission daily.
I have also realized how much that I have allowed others on the net to influence my thoughts. There are many sights that are quick to tell you the "correct" way to be a Domme or a sub or top or a slave or a ................. I have reached the point where I now say "in the words of the prophet ...fuck em" I really don't care that the experts think that I am crazy not to have a safe word. I really don't care that they say I should maintain my self respect, screw em! If Mistress wants me to be something they don't agree with to hell with them.
OK i'm rambling, but I had to get it out and it felt good.
So there!

From JSSUBC -- Valentines Day

2008-02-13T22:14:00.000-05:00

Valentines day is tomorrow and with it my annual irritation for all things contrived and manufactured...well at least in terms of phony feelings. I have ranted before about my annoyance with people and situations that i do not consider to be sincere. Valentines day to me epitomizes all that is wrong with the "buy something to feel better" culture. Go stand outside any lingerie store and watch the clerks snicker at all the guys wandering in with a complete absence of ideas but just knowing that that they can get away with the usual flowers, chocolates, lingerie, perfume etc. It isn't an act of love, its an obligation and i hate it!

I feel the same about all the other so called "days" that Hallmark and their ilk thrust upon us, Grandparents day, Secretaries day and they go on ad nauseum. If you need a special day to tell someone what you think of them and that you appreciate them i suggest to you that you are a pretty shallow person. I grudgingly, will accept birthdays for children and Christmas has completely lost its way but at least it is an opportunity to relax and spend time with those close to you.

Anyway, back where i started. Valentines day is a complete and utter waste of time, not to mention waste of money. The idiotic gushing of noise that is meant to suggest real honest emotion is truly nauseating.

I send presents to Mistress when i feel like it. I send her things that i truly believe that she will appreciate and use. (she looks amazing in lingerie btw.) I do not however, send them at any given time. It's simple ...if i see something that i think Mistress will like i get it and hopefully Mistress sees it for what it is ... a truly sincere meaningful gesture. To her credit Mistress looks at the thought behind it, she can be just as happy with her favourite chocolate bar as she can be with jewelry, it's a matter of when and why. i think my most successful present to date was a pair of gloves, not the most expensive thing in the world but there was a story behind it.
I know I'm overreacting but i get so fed up with the waste and the lack of sincerity ...to those of you that actually enjoy these "days" good luck to you. but for me?
Bah Humbug!

*throws a single lump of coal on the fire and wanders out*

FROM JSSUBC -- Behaviour Modification

2008-02-02T22:48:00.000-05:00

i have mentioned in the past that i have incredibly sensitive nipples, something that Mistress has always taken advantage of with great enthusiasm. i have always wondered how it can be that two totally useless parts of my anatomy can have so many nerve endings most of which seem to have more than a nodding acquaintance with the REALLY stupid part of my anatomy.
Mistress has always teased my nipples as a prelude to other things. My body, it would seem has come to view this nipple touching as a call to arms. The resulting erection seems quite Pavlovian and ....quite humiliating, humiliating in the sense that it is involuntary. Big deal you might say, whats the problem with standing to attention when the mood is right? Well therein lies the problem, at least from my point of view. i never cared nor thought about it until recently when Mistress and i had a mini spat. i cant remember what is was about but i am sure it wasn't my fault *g*. Mistress had reached the point where she believed it was over and was quite amused with my continued annoyance but when i wouldn't stop she pulled rank and ordered me to stand still, and chuckling at my frustration she began her nipple tease. Now its one thing to get an erection when you feel like it and when you're supposed to but it isn't when your angry and have no desire to accommodate someone Else's whim.
A huge smile crossed Mistresses face as she realized that my body was reacting to her ministrations whether i liked it or not. The effect on me was complete humiliation, i felt like a trained seal and hated the fact that she could control my body better than i could. Mistress certainly didn't help with her very obvious amusement at my plight. i really hadn't realized how ingrained her touch had become and how responsive i had become.
Oh well whats a little more behaviour modification.

JSSUBC: The Rules

2008-01-20T12:34:00.000-05:00

Mistress and i have been together five years now and 24/7 for roughly two. The journey has been a plethora of joys, heartbreaks and growth. Growth has always been the one thing that Mistress and i have agreed we must always pursue.

Mistress and i have come to believe in and yearn for a more "absolute" standard to our relationship. More structured... more protocol. Unfortunately, the vanilla world doesn't often appreciate our practises and so we have learned to be circumspect in our actions. What has developed though is a frustration in what we would like to have in our day to day lifestyles, namely a formal recognition of Mistresses ownership of me. It is hard to maintain consistency when we move from home life to work to lifestyle friends and to vanilla social scenes. Both of us though crave a stricter regimen in our lifestyle.
Our thought process was that we should always be striving for the standard we want but it is cumbersome and difficult for Mistress to discipline me when i slip and to be honest some habits, though desirable are just not worth punishing for. i am by nature lazy, i fully admit it, and even though i crave standards and discipline from Mistress at the end of a long day i am not truly adverse to taking short cuts.
Mistresses solution is to create a small number of protocols that have a zero tolerance policy, no ignoring, no forgetting, no half measures, any transgressions will be dealt with swiftly and harshly. Mistress does not want to spend her time disciplining transgressions, hence the small number but these protocols ideally should be a constant reminder of my service to Mistress.
This was meant to be a short post and i haven't even started the protocols and since i don't have the password i cant work in the blog itself which is easier but must use email which i find far less user friendly and Mistress will post it if she approves.

Entering/Leaving the House

Assuming we are alone when we enter the house I must immediately kneel facing Mistress and kiss her shoes. The next step is to remove her footwear one foot at a time kissing each foot as the shoe is removed and waiting in the kneeling position until Mistress moves away.

When we leave the house the opposite is of course true and I will kneel, kiss each foot and after placing the shoes on her feet kiss them again and wait for permission to rise.

Serving

Any and all objects that pass from my hands to Mistresses are to be done so with respect.

When there are vanilla people present I will use both hands to hold the object as it passes from my hands to hers. Should we be alone then I am to extend my arms fully and lower my head. There is to be a noticeable appearance of deference and respect in my posture which conveys my respect and servitude.

Behaviour Patterns/Public

In some ways the most difficult. I am to convey my servitude in such a way that the average person would not be able to discern anything in our behaviour.

Mistress is never to open a car door when I am around, that applies both to entering or exiting the car. Opening and holding the door of a building goes without saying.

When walking together, I must always be to Mistresses left and slightly behind her.

Behaviour Patterns/Lifestyle

When we are in the company of those that are aware of our relationship my role becomes more formalized. I am not to speak unless invited to do so and must do so with respect for all present. If Mistress is sitting then I am to kneel. My serves are to be offered in the kneeling position. All of my actions and gestures are to reflect my deference to Mistress.

Behaviour Patterns/Private

This will incorporate all of the above as well as adding a very formal structure. Slave is to speak in the third person without exception. Slave will not sit in Mistresses presence or get onto her bed without asking permission. All serves are to be made in the kneeling position with my head lowered.

FROM JSSUBC:

2008-01-11T23:37:00.000-05:00

As you can see, it has been a long time since I last posted here. Judging by the comments, some people still find themselves here and have taken the time to say something, and for that I sincerely thank them, their thoughts are truly appreciated.

I had in my own mind decided to stop writing and take down the blog. My decision to stop writing was based on a number of small things which, when put together brought me to the inevitable conclusion that I had stopped writing it for me and I was writing it because I felt I had to.

An out of date blog I feel, is a sad thing to look at. I have looked at dozens that I have enjoyed and see that the last post was two years ago or something. Mistress and I have discussed (argued?) about my blog and its status numerous times. I wanted to take it down and she wouldn’t let me. It got to the point that Mistress changed the password so that I couldn’t get into it and delete it. I have been chagrined ever since.

Mistress wants me to start writing again and, I have to admit, that I have been feeling the stirrings again. I just don’t want to feel obligated and I don’t want to write for the sake of it. I am going to ask Mistress to post this and if you can read it you know she approved. Much has changed since I last posted and who knows, I may just want to share it.

More on Thunder

2007-08-07T12:22:00.000-04:00

Two weeks since my last post and i had the best of intentions of continuing my thoughts on Thunder. It's amazing how time just blasts by, particularly in the summer. i have been entering in this blog for more than two years now and there are times where it is very difficult to come up with things to say and i have to admit that i have a lot of admiration for those that have the discipline to maintain a constant posting regimen.
Thunder as you may tell was an eye opener for me, it felt so liberating to wander freely in a hotel complex and view hundreds of similarly inclined people. i saw everything from cross dressers to ponies and it was wonderful. As an aside i am truly impressed with how the hotel primed their staff. It really must have been an eye opener for the serving staff at breakfast to be pouring coffee into a cup which was then poured into a bowl on the floor for the slave. (yes i did see that) The bartenders were great and took it all in stride, and believe me they would have needed big strides.
One of the things that i noticed and have puzzled over is the number of obese people in the BDSM world, i am not preaching and i really don't care but i was surprised at the percentage of people that were absolutely obese. i really wonder if there is something in the psychological make up of fellow kinksters that leads this way. *shrugs*
Another thing was that it seemed all the good conversations happened in cancer corner. i quit smoking many years ago but Mistress still smokes 2-3 a day and would wander out to the smoking section and would end up in these fascinating conversations which i think She perceived as one of the highlights of Thunder. i wasn't out there as much but i have to admit the interactions with other participants was much more prevalent in the smoking area.
At night the "play" room was an eye opener. There had to be at least a dozen St.Andrews crosses with slaves secured to them plus assorted other stations from cages to suspension pulleys and boy did i get an education. It was great!
Perhaps the strangest thing for me was the Sunday night as people started to leave and vanilla guests started to check back in. It really was a strange feeling looking at "normal" people and thinking to myself that they didn,t belong and had no right to be there. i know it is silly but i really did feel that. In a way it was sad, i had spent three days openly as a slave and i had loved every moment and now i resented the real world intruding on my happiness. Completely silly i know, but i felt it just the same. Maybe i wont be as resentful next year.

2007-07-21T19:13:00.000-04:00

I don't know if any of ya'll are in Denver at Thunder in the Mountains but if you are send an email and give us a shout. Maybe I'll let you take jssubc out for a beer.

Mistress Jennifer

Off to the Kinky Conference

2007-07-21T13:47:00.000-04:00

Mistress and i headed out yesterday to Thunder in the mountains. http://www.thunderinthemountains.com/main_frame.htm
It is the first time that either of us has gone to a kinky function of this magnitude and so far it has been a real eye opener. We decided to take the scenic route through the mountains and though it turned it into an 8 hour drive it really was worth it, the scenery was spectacular. We stopped for brunch at a place called Ojo Calliente. (O-ho Cal-ee-ent-ay) Now Ojo is built around a spa with hot springs. Every establishment (all 3 of them) has a name that begins with Organic and as Mistress says we were definitely in omee gomee country. i call them flakes but Mistresses description sounds better i admit it. Anyway the town i think has a population of 11 residents, 1 spa, 3 pottery stores, 2 sorta restaurants, 307 tourists, 7 stray dogs and a whole wack of rattlesnakes.
Mistress and i pledged to each other that we were going to stop at any place that seemed interesting and so we thought brunch in this teeming metropolis might be fun. Boy was that a mistake. The spa restaurant didn't open for 20 minutes (it was 11.10 am) so we went to the other. We stepped around the holes in the wooden porch, nodded to the red eyed guy who was mumbling to himself and when the coffee tasted like liquorice we knew we were in trouble.
To cut a long story short, even though we were the only customers breakfast took an hour. i suspect the cook had trouble catching the chickens out back, do not, i repeat do not eat at the El Taquito cafe. Just as an aside, i think that americans have the worst sausages in the world and i am having cravings for some of those butcher shops on the Danforth in Toronto.
The whole hotel (and its a big one) has been turned into a den of decadence with all rooms reserved for attendees. There are no vanilla guests and heavens knows what the staff are thinking. The best looking women are actually men (Mistress excluded *G*) and there are more leashes than there are at Crufts dog show, and i am almost tempted to say that now i have seen everything. We met a very nice Femdomme couple in the bar (go figure) and spent an enjoyable hour with them and i spent the rest of the night staring at people google eyed. i attended a lecture this morning presented by Laura Antoniou which was very enjoyable and Mistress attended one by Gloria Braeme which She walked out of.
We are going to a play party which i think will be interesting but that, is another post.

The feeling i hate to love

2007-07-17T19:12:00.000-04:00

Some days are easier to be submissive than others. i am addicted to those ones that i wander blithely through, my thoughts never straying far from Mistress. i really wish i knew what triggered them but for the life of me i cant. What wakes me up so differently so that my first thoughts are of Her. What makes me hope and beg that She will take me to the shower with Her so that She can pee on my head. What makes me crave the humiliation that only She can give and pray for any attention that She will give me, for any attention is better than none.
What makes those feelings disappear?
Our schedule of my coming home early so that i can get into the correct frame of mind (not to mention do the housework and dinner) has been working out quite well. When Mistress walks in the door i am happily looking forward to Her arrival, mind you i am getting fed up with making the bed only to hope that we can unmake it but i shouldn't complain about being a stud muffin. *G* The other night was different though. The submissive feelings just weren't there. Its not as if i had suddenly become vanilla or i had a better offer, the feelings had just slipped temporarily into hibernation mode. The problem was that Mistress was in SuperDomme mode. You know, strap-on, crop, shower attendant. (i love losing the soap in the shower but thats another story) Mistress wanted Her nails done and a pedicure and frankly all i wanted was a beer and the tv remote.
What developed was a slow battle of wills. The slow recognition that we were on different pages and neither of us wanted to budge. We both knew i wasn't there but i didn't really want to admit it. Yes it's true, i admit that i can be a little bit stubborn. Mistress wanted my surrender and i wanted the couch, and here of course is where i got taken down.
Mistress had me strip and kneel beside Her and proceeded to show me that i was only kidding myself. Mistress sat beside me on the couch and began to read Her book, but as She did She ran Her fingernails over my nipples, gently rubbed Her foot in my groin, sometimes She leaned over to run Her tongue over my lips pushing them apart but not kissing me, all the while reminding me that if i moved i would feel the crop. (i hate that thing it stings like hell). What transpired of course is that despite my best efforts to distance myself mentally (did i say i was stubborn) Mistress slowly but surely wore me down. i don't know how long it took but i was begging to please Her and i didn't care how She wanted to be pleased. This only made it worse of course, not only was i reminded forcibly to stay still as i tried to rub against Her but i was ordered to silence. Mistress was now, as they say, "putting the boots in" and wouldn't relent, i was desperate and aching and She knew it. i could see the smug, gloating, self satisfied smile on Her face as She continued to make Her point. This is the part that i really struggle with because now i am desperate to please Her, desperate to offer myself to Her in any way She wants,and i LOVE that feeling. Conflicting with this though is my desire to withdraw and show that i can stand up to Her and i resent how She can make me forgo my feelings and feel what She wants me to feel.
IT DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!!! i hate it ...and yet i crave it.
The coup de grace was when She pulled me crawling across the floor to the bedroom and had me kneel between Her legs as She lay on Her back on the bed. Mistress has developed the most exquisite torture where, from the kneeling position i enter Her but not fully. i am only allowed to move very lightly as She touches Herself to orgasm......many times. This of course drives me up the wall physically as She teases me and satisfies Herself again and again.
Mistress had a satisfied smile as She looked up at me and stated. "you wont do that again will you slave". "No Mistress." "Good, now go get me some juice, all that effort has made me thirsty"

A litle politics

2007-07-04T09:13:00.000-04:00

Mistress and i went to see the Michael Moore movie "Sicko" last night. i wont comment on it other than to say that i think every American should go see it.
i was raised in the UK with the NHS and lived my adult life in Canada with universal health care and while i think that there are problems with both systems i truly cannot understand how Americans can accept a system that hurts so many of its citizens.
My comments are not because of the movie, but i have watched dumbfounded for the last year as Mistress has struggled with the medical insurance companies here to the point that Mistress and i both believe that for various reasons we will at some point, (relatively soon) return to Canada. Chief among these is my past health history.
i am not a liberal, in fact anyone that knows me would probably describe me as the stereotypical right wing capitalist but i do have a social conscience and i truly struggle to understand why the political will does not exist in America to care for it's own people, it is truly shameful.

How to tame a Domme

2007-07-04T08:40:00.000-04:00

One of Mistresses problems with me is that when i come home from work i stay in work mode for a while and it frustrates Her a lot as She wants my attention on Her. The solution we came up with is that i now start at 7 and finish at 4 while She comes in at 9 with everyone else and leaves at 5. This, in theory allows me to get home and get changed and have some private time to get into the right frame of mind before She gets home.
Monday night Mistress was going to the gym right after work and promised that She would be home for dinner. To cut a long story short Mistress was late. The tenderloin was overcooked, the potatoes and vegetables were mush, the mojito was flat and warm. The best that could be said was that the salad was still relatively close to what it was supposed to be.
When Mistress comes into the house the first thing i do is remove Her shoes and kiss Her feet and i could tell by how hesitant She was as i did it that She embarrassed about being so late. Now, i may be a slave but i have to admit that this sadistic streak came out of nowhere. It was just like the movies with the little devil sitting on my shoulder except the angel seemed to have taken the day off.
Mistress: "smells really good in here slave"
me: "should have smelled it an hour ago Mistress"
me: "would You like Your shower now Mistress? It really wont make any difference to the dinner at this point"
Mistress: (eating slowly) "It's really quite good slave, what is it?"
me: "It WAS Pork Tenderloin Mistress, You know, that stuff i had taken the time to have marinating since yesterday"
Mistress: (changing the subject) "It was a great workout today slave"
me: "i imagine it must have been Mistress, did they charge You much for the extra time?" (insert hypocritical look of concern here)
"SLAVE!"
Oops, i had gone to far and it was time for that strategic withdrawal.
Enough was enough it seemed and normal service was resumed. Still, i have to admit it was kind of fun having Mistress on the back foot and off balance for a little while.
It seems that i took an inordinate amount of pleasure from having the upper hand even for so brief a time. It's scary though, i think i'm turning into June Cleaver.

Canada Day down South

2007-07-01T21:47:00.000-04:00

It's Canada day today and i made sure that Mistress helped me celebrate. Personally i still prefer the old Dominion day title as i don't think a little history is a bad thing. Still i guess Chretien needed to justify his time in some way. We were both up early as Mistress had Her exercise class and i had ironing to do. Mistress agreed that we could go out for lunch and do a small pub crawl while i showed off my new bright red golf shirt with the white Maple Leaf showing. As we wandered through the tourist section i sort of hoped that we might run into some other Canadians and at least be able to have a toast with someone but it would seem that i'm the only Canuck in this particular Southern U.S. city.
Before we went out i taught Mistress the words to O Canada which She grasped quickly, the tune however was trickier, Mistress sings like a ......... *scratches head* well i really don't know but its not a nightingale *grins*
We got home and once again Mistress insisted on treating me like a sex object (god bless Her) and then packed me off to make Her dinner. A wonderful day with Mistress, a few beers to celebrate and lots of sex. What a wonderful way to celebrate Canada day, happy 140th birthday!
Oh and dinner was good to.

Unexpected Surprise

2007-06-25T20:00:00.000-04:00

Things have settled well here, and day to day habits have been forming. Life has become a wonderful plethora of wonderful days and warm discoveries. One in particular has been very surprising, a slow but steady drop in my weight. i ascribe this to my total overwhelming devotion to Mistress! ok maybe not that but more like an increasing level of work and drudgery that Mistress delegates to me."Dishes slave", "laundry slave", "dinner slave", "coffee slave" this poor slave toils endlessly in the service of Mistress for nothing more than a kind word or gesture. (anyone feel sorry for me yet?) On the plus side Mistress has most definitely caught up on Her reading and has become the world champion Bon Bon eater. Slave loves to serve Mistress, though fanning Her gently with palm fronds in my loin cloth while ironing and making dinner can be tricky at times. *grins*
i find that i really have developed an absolute desire to please that can be completely overwhelming and i have become accepting and happy with my place as Her service slave. Now if truth be told sex is much better but since i will be doing household chores i may as well enjoy them, or at least enjoy the feeling that doing them for Mistress gives me. The weight loss reminds of how sedentary a life i had before, i sat (and still sit) at a desk all day and it would appear that i sat a lot at night as well. It would seem that just a little increased activity has made a significant difference, something else that i need to be thankful to Mistress for.
More Bon Bon's Mistress?

Thunder Mountain here we come!

2007-06-22T08:17:00.000-04:00

Mistress decided yesterday that we (She) wanted to go to Thunder Mountain in Denver and now, surprise surprise i see that we are booked. http://www.thunderinthemountains.com/main_frame.htm
i guess the good news is that She is taking me. *g*
i have never been to an event like this and i have to admit that i am curious. Mistress is really excited and i hope that She is not setting Herself up to be dissapointed, i know that i have never been impressed in the past with any munches or play parties that i have been to. Still, if nothing else it should be interesting. If anyone who reads this plans on going, drop me a line and we can meet for a beer. Well i will if a) Mistress lets me, and b) Mistress gives me some money. *grins* Actually, Mistress is extremely social and can talk the hind legs off a donkey so i am quite sure She would enjoy meeting others.
Just for the record, Mistress is very good looking and i am drop dead gorgeous. *grins*
In the meantime we drove to Vegas for a few days and saw the Grand Canyon and the Hoover Dam along the way. Truly, truly spectacular places, words just cannot describe them and so its best that i don't try, but i would urge anyone to make a point of seeing them both they are something special.
Vegas itself was well ......Vegas. It has been 10 years since i was last there and it has changed a lot and i'm not sure it's for the better. There are some amazing things there but in a world where people die of hunger and disease in the millions i have trouble justifying golf courses and roller coasters in the middle of a city. Despite my misgivings i do believe that everyone should experience Vegas once even though i have no great desire to go back there.
i think the best part of the trip was being in the wave pool with Mistress, there is just something special about riding out waves with a wet, warm, soft receptive body clinging to you.
What a feeling!

Struggles

2007-06-19T00:49:00.000-04:00

Difficult night tonight. Mistress and i had a major disagreement and all is not well in Paradise, at least for the moment. *sigh*
i have always tried to use this blog to spill my feelings and allow me to assimilate and digest my thoughts and feelings. More and more i find myself desperate to please Her. Her smile and approval have become the Holy Grail in my day to day actions. Mistress has caught on to this and has started to be selective with that approval which of course makes me try that much harder. Basic manipulation i know, but i just cant help it. Recently Mistress told me that we would be meeting another Femdomme couple and and we (me) would be physically interactive with them (him). i am strictly heterosexual and without the sordid details you can imagine how i felt about this. Mistress has expressed her desire frequently to see me with another man with Her controlling it, unfortunately Her wishes and desires have started to replace mine, so strong has my desire to please Her become. Discussing it between us, we ended up having a disagreement which, as these things often go just got worse and worse. Not so much bitter but more in missing each others point completely. The net result was that Mistress said that perhaps i wasnt ready for this step and we should back off. Now this is where it got tricky. i know Mistress wants this and i want to please Her, and i suddenly realized that the desire to do this for Her was much stronger than my distaste at doing it. i also understood that if She backed off in Her desires then i would have in effect pushed my will upon Her. One of the things that as a slave i have always admired about Mistress is that i have always believed that i cannot manipulate Her and i felt that we were about to change that. i felt very strongly that i didnt want Mistress to back down ....i prayed that She wouldnt, i have come to desire Her control that much. In effect i was arguing to DO something which i a complete aversion to. It would seem that perhaps i am the one being manipulated. *G*
i should clarify that i still have absolute faith in Mistress that should we reach a point where i truly feel that i cannot handle it then She will listen to me as long as i am sincere, but to that point i expect and indeed relish obeying Her.
Two hours later we still had not rexolved it and at 1am we decided to sleep on it.
*sighs* To be continued .........................

Catching up

2007-06-16T08:00:00.000-04:00

It has been 2 years now since i started this blog and it has been great therapy for me. Some posts make me smile in fond memory and others make me cringe in embarrassment. Since my arrival here my time has just seemed to evaporate. i work during the day and i care for Mistress at night and i am so very very happy. i have been debating whether to take this blog down but Mistress has, to this point forbidden it. i really dont seem to be doing a good job of it and my philosophy has always been that if i cant do something right then i shouldn't do it. i enjoy my blog as much as i enjoy reading others but i am like a kid in a candy shop and i would much rather make a fuss of Mistress than sit at a keyboard.
Having said that i have much to write about if i do get the motivation but time will tell.

Unexpected Distractions

2007-04-26T07:07:00.000-04:00

i have been here a while now and apart from the lack of hockey coverage things have been going well. It has been a wonderful experience as we settle into life together and so far my major pet peeve is the fact that Mistress insists on squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle. i really dont know why but this habit drives me up the wall! i can live with womens clothes randomly distributed throughout the house and i can live with cups and glasses beside the bed but the toothpaste really bugs me. The problem is, that like an idiot i told Mistress of my annoyance and now i think, She does it deliberately just to upset me. i have watched Her brush Her teeth and squeezing from the bottom then quite pointedly with a huge grin smack Her hand right in the middle of the tube and smile at me with a look that says "what you going to do about it?" Anyway, if that remains the worst of our issues we are lucky.
Working together on a longer basis has actually worked out well, i do everything and Mistress accepts the credit. (thats a joke) i really should point out that i am a person that does everything to excess. When i work, 14-16 hours are normal for me. When i play i end up with muscles that ache for days. When i eat i empty the fridge. When i drink ......well lets not go there. i exaggerate i know but that truly is my inclination.
The reason i bring this up is because of an uncomfortable habit that has been forming. The business is going well and i love a challenge. Money has never been my motivator and i have always believed that if you are successful at what you do then financial rewards will follow. The habit that i mention is that when we come home (and Mistress has ordered me to leave the office on more than one occasion) i am struggling to get out of work mode. The situation that compounds this of course is that because we work together there is always a topic that we can share. Whether it is staff, or suppliers or marketing or any number of topics, it is very easy for us both to fall into a conversation that is work related. i dont know about others but i find it incredibly difficult to change a mindset quickly and for me to switch from coworker to slave is a struggle, at least in terms of mindset.
It has been particularly frustrating for Mistress as She has a much higher sex drive than i do and She will come home wanting to play and be served and i want to talk about replacing a piece of equipment. The problem for Her of course is that we are in business together and so it is hard for Her not to be drawn into these conversations. As a solution Mistress walked in with a small seat/storage chest, the kind with a lid. Our most used toys would go in there but more importantly anytime that i was stuck in work mode She would blindfold me and have me sit and meditate for 10 mins until i was in the right frame of mind. At least thats the theory.
We havent used it for that yet and i suspect it may be another post.

Living Together

2007-04-09T09:18:00.000-04:00

Well its been a little while now and i thought i would jot down some notes on what has changed since i moved here.
First let me say that it has been fabulous, wonderful in so many ways and yet there has been a subtle but noticeable shift in how we do things. i should describe the nature of how we live which for lack of a better term is a 24/7. While Mistress does not stroll around the house crop in hand barking out orders we both know our roles within the house. (at least i certainly do). My duties consist of .... well everything. i do the cooking, cleaning, laundry and general day to day keeping the house in order chores. A cleaner comes in once a week to do the extraordinary things like the oven, cleaning out the fridge etc. i also work full time at the office which usually doesnt finish until 6-7pm. By the time i get home make dinner, do dishes and clean up etc. its usually close to 9 and i like to relax and Mistress and i usually chat or watch a movie or something. Perhaps this might explain my drop in the number of posts recently. i have a very full day every day and i am happy. i always thought and suspected that i had very strong leanings to be a "service" slave (whatever that means) but i do know that i can really get off with just the enjoyment of serving.
In terms of "playing" or "scening" i think that Mistress and i have played less now that i am here than when i came on short visits. The urgency has left and now we wait until we are both fully desiring a particular situation and we can truly relax and enjoy it, after all there is always tomorrow.
Some things have surprised me. One in particular is Mistresses day to day attitude towards me. Working on the "familiarity breeds contempt" theory i assumed that Mistress would become a little blase toward me and start to take my presence for granted. In fact what has happened is quite the opposite, Mistress has become VERY affectionate and romantic. Always touching and teasing me in passing, brushing against me and being downright seductive. i like to wear shorts around the house and Mistress finds it highly amusing to see the front of my shorts protruding and takes great delight in teasing me and exacerbating my condition.
One thing is for sure and that is that irrelevant of it being me, Mistress was born to have a slave. i wont go into great detail as to how miserably She failed coffee making (with a brand new coffee maker no less) or how She had been doing laundry using fabric softener in the belief that it was detergent. Her eyes open wide in amazement as i demonstrate how hospital corners on a bed are made. i wont point out how She thinks that an iron is a piece of metal but in fairness She could teach a class in ordering food from the yellow pages and Her dry cleaning bill is frightening. Yes i am exaggerating and i am lucky that She has a sense of humour or i suspect that i would be paying for this post in a painful way.
A live in relationship is much harder to work at than being a visitor. It requires so much more work and honest effort and the people whose blogs i read that live it have my utmost respect. i fully understand what it is like to try and get out of knotted ropes in a hurry when one of the kids is knocking on the door for mum and throwing up while She is doing it. As an aside its amazing how much panic can slow you down.
i wouldnt change anything though, its incredible to have a dream come true.
More to come.

P.S. i dont link or post other blogs simply because there are to many that i enjoy reading but i stumbled across a really funny and unique blog called Bitchy Jones diary (bitchyjones.wordpress.com) which if you get a chance take a look at .

Piercing

2007-04-05T10:52:00.000-04:00

Two days after i got off the plane Mistress and i went to get my nipples pierced. It is something that we had talked about a lot and i had always wanted to have done. My nipples have always been incredibly sensitive and without doubt the most erogenous part of my body. Mistress did huge amounts of research including multiple phone calls to many piercing establishments to go over safety proceedures, ramifications, consequences etc. The concensus was that as long as we paid attention to the instructions provided and followed them faithfully all would be well and my nipples would probably become even more sensitive.
i was really looking forward to the proceedure for two reasons, one was that if the sensitivity could be increased then i would be ecstatic and the teasing by Mistress would be incredible. The other is a bit more complex to explain. Even though i obey Mistress completely i have always had this little feeling of reassurance at the back of my head that told me that unless i was restrained i could deny and even overpower Her very quickly and easily. Having a piercing i thought, would give Her something to grab relatively easily and by inducing a lot of pain quickly, this would negate my physical advantages. Not quite true i realize but certainly a turn on to me.
The proceedure itself took about an hour, not so much for the piercing that is quite quick but more the signing of legal waivers and the lecture on health and care which i am glad that the piercer was so emphatic about. (as an insurance policy Mistress made me go to the doctor and get antibiotics) i don't care what anyone says the piercing was bloody painful, Mistress held my hand and i did my best to crush Hers but it was over quickly and there was next to no pain afterwards. Discomfort yes, especially when i forgot they were there and banged them but by and large nothing that Tylenol couldnt handle.
What neither of us considered is that i would lose feeling in my nipples, which has happened. i am not panicking .......yet, but i am worried. We went back to the peircer and he assured us that it was still healing and to be patient. i am wondering that if anyone reading this has any experience? i certainly could use some reassurance.
i really like the look and feel and it opens up more bondage possibilities but i really would like to have the sensitivity back.
Worrying.

Venting

2007-03-30T18:58:00.000-04:00

Now if anyone reading this is looking for a sophisticated treatise on the on the dynamics and subtleties of a Mistress/slave relationship stop now because this post isn't.
i have been here for 6 weeks now and i am starting to feel like im settling in but i just have to vent on what has become a really big peeve of mine. i was calculating in my head and came to the conclusion that i have driven in 15 states, 8 provinces and 4 European countries, not a world traveller by any means but reasonably experienced and i have to state unequivocally that New Mexico drivers are the worst that i have ever seen. Drive in the the passing lane of a two lane highway 20mph below the limit? No problem. Pull out into oncoming traffic and force 5 cars to slam on their brakes only to pull into the next entrance to a retail store parking lot 50 feet away? Piece of cake. Consider every straight piece of road that doesnt have a traffic light within 75 yards a drag strip? Absolutely. Stop the car any place and any time to have a chat with the local drug pusher, fellow church goer, or high school buddy? Doesn't everyone? i have petitioned Mistress to allow me to mount laser cannons and floton torpedoes (yes im a trekkie) on the car so that i can instantly vaporize the next person who cant be bothered to raise a hand and say thank you when i stop to allow them into traffic. i have been cut off so many times that even Mistress has started to look for a sign on the car that says "Canadian at the wheel, please feel free to impede progress" Stop signs are for tourists and red lights are merely a suggestion.
Anyway, rant over and i think i will go and apply for my NM drivers license i'.m sure there is one at the bottom of the Cheerios box.....just attach photo!

Update

2007-03-23T21:27:00.000-04:00

Well, looking at the date of my last post i now know why it feels like forever since i posted..... it has been. Anyway there is so much to catch up on that i am not sure where to begin. First of all life here has been great, though there are plusses and minuses to both countries and many things i miss it has been a very special 5 weeks. The weather here has been amazing and i have already played golf four times maybe this year i will get to break 80. Conversely my buddy tells me that the sap is running on his Maple trees and that they miss my help gathering it, i was surprised at how sad such a small thing made me, its hard work but very social and the BBQ and beers at the end of a day are a lot of fun.
Mistress has gone away for March break with Her girls, giving me a brief respite of R&R. It really isnt as easy as you would think being a sex object. *G* Her constant insatiable demands upon my body i dont think are very fair. i keep telling Her that i am much more than just a pretty face and that i have a brain! She agrees and says She uses it but i think that She is confusing my brain with a prominent appendage. Mistress has a cleaner come in once a week and i had my first major faux pas, as i had left the wrist and ankle cuffs under the bed instead of under lock and key in a file cabinet and when i got home from work, well lo and behold there they were sitting prominently on top of the desk in the bedroom. So the cleaner now thinks Mistress is kinky and me as the new face am just a plain nice guy. We have used the cleaners teenage daughter as a babysitter and if she refuses to babysit anymore we know that they dont approve i suppose.
This is a bit quick and rushed but i needed to break the ice and get back to blogging and will write more and properly very soon.

Catching up

2007-02-05T20:01:00.000-05:00

i received a very very long and thoughtful email from a person about this blog which the author had put a lot of thought and effort into. i found it very interesting in the sense that it sometimes can be an eye opener to read how people perceive you. Overall i thought it was a fair analysis of myself and the blog. Mistress was initially upset as She believes that She is the only person that has the right to criticize me, but She did calm down eventually. i really dont think there was anything nasty or out of line just a fair commentary of what he read, though i must admit the suggestion that i was melodramatic and suicidal got my back up a bit.
i am way behind on my blog posting which is strange because in terms of our relationship the last month has been the most emotionally intense of our time together, to the point that i really have felt completely inadequate to write down my feelings. Considering this was the reason i started this blog it seems a little bizzare that i wouldnt use this forum when i need it most.
Anyway, i have also been really pushed time wise. i have decided to take the plunge and head south. It wont be easy, the staff are going to take over the company and i will basically commute while i look for a buyer. The length of stay is unkown as so much depends on U.S. Immigration and visas and needlesss to say i am extremely excited.
There have been many many details to take care of which i wont bore anyone by going into but suffice it to say that my days and nights have been full. i will be living with and in effect working for Mistress so if, after a few months She has had enough i will be back. *grins*
Hopefully i will become a little more conscientious in my postings but in the meantime i'm loading up on REAL maple syrup.

A Great Idea

2007-01-19T16:52:00.000-05:00

This is just a quick comment to say how much i like veezknights blog entry today.
i think that it is a great idea and perhaps if we get behind it then things will happen .
Please take a moment to read the post marked Gimme a Sign
http://femaleauthority.blogspot.com/

Intolerance

2007-01-17T07:41:00.000-05:00

One of the results of Mistresses forays into collarme is Her curiosity and explorations of the chat rooms. She is, by nature a curious person and had wandered into a couple to converse with like minded people and was shocked by rigidity of people outlooks and by them attacking Her. i try very hard to see both sides of an equation and i recognize that we all put a bias on our own thoughts and opininions and quite honestly considered the possibility of exaggeration so i volunteered to go into one with Her. I was shocked. Within 10 mins the discussion had gone from movies to a sub accusing Mistress of being cruel and abusive to me. What precipitated this was that Mistress had mentioned how long it had been since i had had an ejaculatory orgasm and this sub immediately attacked Her with absolutely no thought given to asking questions or discussion as to anyone elses opinion. It actually wasnt the subs words but those of Her Mistress who didnt even have the courage to level these accusations Herself but preferred to dictate them. The words cruel and abusive were used as well as the comment that our behaviour went against the BDSM rule book (anyone got a copy?).
i prefer just to dismiss these people but what struck me was the vehemence of their reaction and the attitude that they were right and there was no room for anyone elses opinion. There are certain tenets that i feel we must all go by if we are to participate in this lifestyle (no minors comes to mind) but by and large i feel that as long as we follow the SSC guidelines what we do is up to us and everyone else should mind their own F*****G business!
i swear that Mistress and i would have welcomed questions and discussion on our relationship and answered them honestly, but i really struggled with the BDSM equivalent of the right wing evangelicals.
By and large i dont watch TV and i read a lot of blogs. Some people discuss things that i just could not countenance but i certainly wouldnt condemn them for something that works for them. i have zero time for those that stridently lay out their beliefs in such a way as to suggest that because they believe it nothing else can be considered, and display such a complete lack of tolerance, or as Mistress puts it "my kink is better than your kink".
Anyway, rant over but i will throw in one last thought which is, have you ever wondered why the stupid know so much and the intelligent know so little?

Yet another Toy

2007-01-16T15:59:00.000-05:00

Mistress took delivery today of a Feeldoe that i had ordered for Her http://www.feeldoe.com and She was explaining it over the phone to me.
Part of the feeldoe is meant to be inside of Her when She uses it on me and the conversation went something like this.
me: do You like it Mistress
Mistress: (hesitantly), yeeeees, but the part that goes in me is quite thick slave.
me: thicker than a man Mistress?
Mistress: well, (deep breath) thicker than some men slave
(very long pause)
me: very diplomatic Mistress

Dating Response

2007-01-07T20:38:00.000-05:00

Mistress and i have talked about Her dating experiences, and to this point and i have to admit that i am surprised. Yes there have been compatibility issues but that was sure to happen anyway, but i am completely surprised at the lack of preparation on the part of these suitors. Remember, not only is this a date but it is a date with a blatantly Dominant woman, one whom you would think that is only going to give you one chance.
Maybe i am showing my age but i can remember my mother telling me that when you go to meet a woman you have one chance to impress Her. My mothers advice was to always do something distinctive, She prefered a personal touch, something that wasnt purchased and showed some thought and that you cared. i can only echo Mistresses advice and in the meantime bless the ineptitude of these men who make me look good.

Justice

2007-01-07T16:47:00.000-05:00

slave and I have had a really difficult few weeks. It has just seemed like realization after realization has hit us. It is like being on a boat in really choppy water. You just get your balance before the next wave knocks you over. Anyone have a life jacket?

In the first year of our relationship slave and I had what I came to call our "Monday morning fights". Basically we were growing so much, and so fast together that each Monday we would have a tiff, resolved by Wednesday and growth by Friday. After a year or so of that, the insights came less frequently but much more profound. The past year (up to November) have been an incredible time for both of us. Months of us feeling so connected, deep insights and more time of that connection. Then November hit and someone somewhere decided we had a whole lot of growing to do and we were going to do it RIGHT NOW. Growing pains hurt. Ouch ouch ouch. I'm hoping and praying for a few weeks of no growth at the moment. It feels so good to be so connected again. I thought I had lost him. he thought he had lost Me. We were both miserable. I'm glad I can laugh about it now...anyway...Justice:

One of the realizations that he and I have had is neither of just has had a relationship in which there was justice. In other words if I were to go to My past partner and say "hey, I really didn't like that" My partner would say to Me "to bad". I could neither trust My partner to admit when he was wrong, nor to listen to Me and compromise on what I needed. In a similar but slightly different way this has been true for jssubc also.

All of sudden, pretty much at the same time, jssubc and I realized that we have justice with each other. he knows that if he comes to Me that I will listen to him. He knows I have no problem at all admitting when I have made a mistake.

He knows that when I don't agree with him I usually have a very good reason and he will listen.<---- thats the big one.

He knows that he can trust Me. Yeah yeah yeah he trusted Me before but this realization took his trust to a totally new level. slave stopped reading into My words. When I said..."I need a social life and I need YOU". He stopped hearing "you are to old and I'm trying to get rid of you". When I said "I love you" he stopped hearing "I love you...but." When I said "I am going on a date". He stopped hearing "I don't want you". When he started giving Me that level of trust I fell in love with him all over again...and he knows it. The more he gives Me the more I love him. And all of a sudden I was able to relax too. At one point he asked Me the name of someone I had been talking to. I said I didn't remember. He pushed Me a bit and I finally made up a name. Then he went into a major funk. We went around and around this until we had the truth, justice and the american way revelation. We revisited this question and he got it. When I said "I don't remember" I meant I DO NOT REMEMBER. I didn't mean "I don't want to tell you because I like him a lot more than you and I don't want to hurt your feelings". I know I am not conveying this well. I know it seems really simple. Yes we loved each other and trusted each other. But somehow deep inside jssubc didn't believe that if he asked Me for justice that I could give it to him. Realizing it now has brought us incredibly close together... again... and for gosh sake please just a few days of peace!! J.

This is jssubc and i asked if i could throw in my 2 cents worth, obviously Mistress approved. *grins* One of the habits that Mistress has that i admire is Her ability to admit an error and change Her mind. It is not something that i can do as i am to stubborn but i have to admit that on the occassions where i have questioned Mistresses judgement i have always felt that if i talked to Her quietly and reasonably She would consider my opinion with all levity. Now, She may ignore what i said and continue on Her course but She has always listened and sometimes even changed Her mind. Mistress is right when She says that it may seem like such an obvious statement to others and yet given our roles within the relationship i feel that it is profoundly important i truly believe that She will be fair and just. In my post marked "Acceptance" i pointed out how i was second guessing Her words, i do feel that these posts actually tie in together. After all if Mistress always has the final word not only do i need to believe what She says i need to embrace it. Complete trust is just that ......complete!

Dating Heck

2007-01-06T18:28:00.000-05:00

slave and I sorted out our dating issue, we sorted out our emotional distance issue, We are still struggling with the being together issue. We have been working on a justice issue which has brought us really close together. I'll see if I can get him to write about that, but I think it is more My thing than his so I might have to do it.

Today I'm writing about the trials of dating.

I have had three "dates". Actually 2 dates and a therapy session (I was the therapist). Now long ago in a galaxy far, far away I posted My profile on collarme and alt. I wrote then, and slave wrote then, about the quality of responses that I got. This has not changed much but I have gotten some nice responses too, hence the 3 dates. If someone asks Me how to properly respond to a Domme profile I would be happy to give them pointers but that is not the focus of this blog.

Lets assume that you have gotten past the mail salvos and the woman has actually agreed to meet you. This is meant to be a help to you who are looking, not a way to get Me to date you btw. Also I am looking for a tpe/woman-led relationship not a play session so keep that in mind.

A few pointers on the first Domme date:

1. Ask her to dinner. Not coffee, not breakfast, not lunch. Dinner.
2. Ask her what food she likes best and what side of town she lives on.
2a. If you have budget issues BE UP FRONT because you have to pay.
3. If you know the restaurants that fit her parameters then suggest one that is quiet and condusive to actually talking.
4. Ask her what personal information she would like to have about you to make her feel comfortable about her safety. License plate number? Phone number? Assure her that you want her to feel safe and that whatever she needs for that is completely understandable.
5. Ask her what she is going to wear and what you should wear. DRESS NICELY. If she says "wear a suit and tie" do NOT respond "I only wear jeans".
6. Bring her something. Period. No arguments. A flower. A bottle of wine. A small box of chocolates. A card that says "thank you for meeting me". Some token of your appreciation.
7. Be as polite and gentlemanly as you can be. Open doors for her, take her jacket, pull out her chair.
8. Ask her questions.
8a. LISTEN.
8b. Think about WHY she is asking you questions.
8c. Lets go through that again. Ask questions, listen, think.
9. Compliment her. Even if isn't the one for you make her feel special. If you can't find anything nice to say about her then leave.

My first date was defensive and self-absorbed. He is also very handsome. I get the impression that women fall in his lap and so he hasn't had to work for it. He didn't say one nice thing to Me during the entire meal. He asked Me no questions. He was happy to talk about himself and seemed honest but there was no reciprocation. For example if I asked if he had brothers or sisters he would answer but not ask back. When I said that I had a slave he asked no questions about that either. At the end he said he'd had a really good time and he wanted to see Me again. Not: I hope you had a good time, or did you like your food or anything. The only questions he did ask was about which toys I had. How experienced I was at using them. Then he had the gall to tell Me that he didn't believe Me. There is just nothing like calling your date a liar to make romance blossom.

My second date was a disaster. He is an extremely nice guy. Truly sincere. Truly good-hearted. He also is totally inappropriate for Me. If we had been able to communicate via email successfully I would have known that and never gone. His inability to use a computer should have given Me a clue. My bad. One of the big issues between us is the massive difference we had in experience and education. The man and I had little or nothing in common. Again I would have realized that if I had clicked onto the fact that he was so bad at the computer...but jssubc is terrible at the computer I didn't KNOW it could be worse. Anyway I blame Myself for that one. Not his fault.

My third date needed a therapist not a relationship. If you are exploring yourself through Jungian processes and trying to establish your anima and define your shadow then you think to much. Another nice person but troubled. He wanted someone to talk to.

My slave struggled terribly with Me going out to meet others, even as he recognized that I needed to do so. In the end he has been the perfect slave for Me on this. He has helped prepare Me. Explained how men think and generally been absolutely terrific. If anything this experience has shown Me that I may have been spoiled for anything else then the loving attention that he showers Me in. It has also shown Me that the fine of art of romance seems to be dead.

As a side note here...for some reason the mails I have gotten on collarme from British men have been the best. I don't know why this is, but the mails are well written, sensible, romantic and lovely. Can someone explain this to Me? And jssubc I KNOW you are British so drop it!

Kiss!!

J.

Dating

2007-01-04T01:59:00.000-05:00

i have been putting this post off for a while but i am finding that my emotions have been overwhelming and i have to vent somehow. Mistress and i have been together in a long distance relationship for 4 1/2 years now. We have talked about my moving there a lot and as time has passed the urgency of that choice has became more pressing. My issues are these, my health. i had a heart attack 6 years ago, not a problem day to day but i have been told to expect surgery at some point. My business. It is small but large enough that it wouldnt be easy to sell and the plan was for it to be my retirement package one day, as well as long term staff to take care of. My kids. They are in university and i want to stay close to them for as long as i can, heavens knows that they will be busy enough with their own lives soon. Though none of these things are insurmountable they are all time consuming. There are other factors such as immigration issues but again, nothing that cant be overcome.
i have always been supportive of Mistress dating other men, at least in principle. i always thought that if i wasnt prepared to make a committment to go there then i had no right to ask for Her undivided attention. Mistress though, is by nature a monogamous person and tends to commit wholly to one person and thats it. We have talked about others but neither of us has any interest in others while we are with each other, maybe in the odd play session but nothing ongoing. Even then Mistress prefers to direct me and not paricipate Herself. i have no desires to be with anyone else and if the truth be told i struggle to perform with anyone but Her. (that may be a whole blog post of its won)
What has happened though is that Mistress has basically said, enough! She has decided to start dating, platonic but investigating. Mistress has decided that She has a life to lead and if i wont make the decision She wont wait forever. From a logical point of view i cannot argue with Her choice i truly cant, in fact i support it. From an emotional point of view though it is ripping me apart. Mistress has put a profile on various sites (BDSM and otherwise) has been flooded by applicants. She is averaging 34 of them per day. Her preference is a BDSM relationship and i sure dont think that i could have a vanilla one again but as any Domme will tell you, finding a sane, sincere and intelligent submissive is much easier said than done.
Still, the emotional insecurity on my part is terrifying, i cant sleep, i go through mood swings, snap at others etc. Compounding the issue is that we are also business partners and we talk a LOT during the day. It is hard when we come to such an enriching time in our relationship that this should happen.
Mistress has three "dates" this weekend and i have no idea how i am going to deal with it. It's approaching 3am here and i am far to wound up to sleep but i have to be be up again in 3 hours so i need to try. To reach this decision Mistress told me that She had to comparmentalize Her feelings for me, in effect push me away or put up a wall between us because She doesnt have the ability to spread Her emotions. When She commits She fully commits. She is angry with me for forcing Her to this point and states unequivically that if i had stated a date to be with Her then this would not have happened.
My choice is obvious and i have my thoughts on how to deal with them but i think i will have many more sleepless nights until i get my life rearranged.
Wish me luck and Mistress bad searching. *grins*

Resolution

2007-01-02T12:56:00.000-05:00

December was apparently the warmest one on record in Ontario and if New Years day was anything to go by its going to continue, the weather was fabulous. For the last 10 years our neighbourhood has had a father/kid street hockey game for the bragging rights for the next 12 months. Last year, after 8 successive wins the dads went down to defeat for the first time and we were looking for revenge. It was going well with the dads up 5-0 inside of 1/2 hour (first team to 10) when the youth finally got on the board. i should point out the rules are simple, there are none, as long as personal safety is ensured. The kids, male and female range in age from 5 to 21 and there are no limits on the number of players, at times the game resembles a rugby scrum. The kids actually have 2 university varsity hockey players and 3 that have played triple A at some point. Fortunately they are pretty good about the smaller ones and wont run over the top of their own players which tends to help us as it slows them down. Anyway, when we started this it was the dads that were playing with hangovers though that seems to be changing as well.
The net result was the dads just plain ran out of steam and despite leading 9-7 ended up losing 10-9. The first beer after the game went down in seconds flat.
i bring this up because my kids will be heading back to Uni this week and i will be back to my empty house. i always assumed that my life would be determined by where my kids chose to make their lives as i am quite close to them, and one day i would really like to be one of those pain in the neck grandparents that wont go away and spoils the grandchildren rotten and makes life difficult for the parents. If you have read this blog you would understand that i am coming to rethink this attitude. One thing that Mistress gives to me is to make feel so alive. Instead of planning for a retirement i should be planning to to make the most of what i have to live for today. It will not be easy. In effect i will have to sell or shut down my business and move down to Her. Then we will have to sell Her business. (although we are partners it is easier to differentiate) and move back to Canada. i have some health issues that although they are not pressing i really do not want to go bankrupt dealing with the US health system.
This is a snapshot and it certainly will not happen quickly Legalities, immigration authorities for two countries, kids, families it will all play a part but a busy mind keeps you young.
Who knows? i may get to be a miserable, cantankerous old buggar yet!

Acceptance

2006-12-31T15:41:00.000-05:00

One of the issues that Mistress and i have dealt with since day 1 is my struggle with my self image as a slave. Yes i know that makes no sense, but i have to confess that i have truly struggled with the fact that although Mistress has told me so many many times that She wanted all of me and all that i can give, my own personal demons have been saying "how could a woman that i love so much want a person who could degrade themselves to that extent". i wont divulge the details and the physical acts, (at least not at this point) but there have been some pretty intense situations and i have always said to myself that "Mistress may say X but She really wants Y". Arrogant, perhaps, but even though i craved Her domination and control it is hard to imagine why a woman would want a man who's head She is peeing on for example. It's strange timing but Mistress had, i think convinced me of Her belief and i had just come to a grudging acceptance when i read this piece from Destiny.
"It is so different in my world. Here, we are partners. I am not superior to him, if I felt that way I am not sure I would respect him to the level I do. I cannot degrade a man I do not respect, a strange concept probably to those that do not understand the power involved in taking someone you respect more than any other person in the world down to a place where they are crawling in your piss, to holding him afterwards and telling him how proud you are." Mistress has been trying to pound this into me for years, and yes i may be smart but i am a slow learner it seems. At least around women.
i do not think i was intenionally disobeying Her i truly dont. More, i was terrified that something would happen between us that would make Mistress lose respect for me which would lead to Her losing Her feelings for me. i struggled with this for so long. i had absolutely no reason to doubt what Mistress was saying to me, quite the opposite in fact and yet i held back and i dont know why. Somehow, some way Her words finally got past my brain and into my heart. i actually have come to believe that when Mistress says that She wants something from me She truly does, and it is not for me to decide what Her feelings will be after.
I have a had a draft sitting in my draft folder for a week now entitiled "think like a girl" and i havent been able to get into the right frame of mind to finish it, but i think the title is apt in that i do what most men tend to do i think, and that is look at our relationship in a plus and minus sense. If i do A then it follows that Mistress will do B. A relationship, particularly a Femdomme one just doesnt work that way. So much is emotional and intuitive and as Mistress says to me a lot "stop analysing it and FEEL it!"
In the week before xmas i had three major jolts in my life, one i will never share here, the scond i think i will though it may take me some time and this one. All my life i have believed that everything comes down to winning, people cannot respect you unless you win and people will never respect you if they see you as weak. i have come to realize that at least in regards to Mistress that is not true. As Destiny ponted out, She cannot degrade a man She does not respect, and i so desperately want Mistress to respect me.
Happy New Year

The End of Things

2006-12-29T14:23:00.000-05:00

Throughout my life i have always come to expect big things happening at Xmas. Whether it the joy i felt as a kid getting that Johnny Seven gun that i dreamed of, or the squeels of joy of my own children when they were so young and Santa was not a figment of some Marketers imagination. More than that though Xmas always seems to bring a major event in my life, both good and bad. i really dont think that this time of year brings anything more momentous than at other times but it just seems so easy to note and remember. I mean a death or birth always seems more noteable to me when you can recall it by remembering it as happening at Xmas as opposed to saying some time in mid August.
i realize that i'm rambling on but this year Xmas was incredibly emotional for me and in case You havent noticed i am really feeling down. i do have very good reasons and most importantly i only have myself to blame. It seems worse because all around me there are festivities and i just cant get in the mood. i drank 2 bottles of wine last night and the only mood change that got me was to go into chat rooms and pick fights. Childish and moronic i know but the truth none the less.
i started this blog as a way to vent my feelings and experiences. In this particular case though i find the emotions too intense, the feelings too raw to put pen to paper so to speak. i do have other, more cheery posts sitting in my draft folder but i just dont feel like using them at the moment. The odds of my meeting anyone who reads this are slim and none and yet i hesitate to share such private thoughts while i think the act of expressing them would help me. Time will tell.
i wish anyone who reads this the most sincere happy wishes for the New Year i truly do. As for me? Bah Humbug

Back

2006-12-23T23:48:00.000-05:00

Even though i have been back almost 2 weeks now, returning to my blog has been a task that i have been dreading and putting off. The "crash" upon returning has been incredibly difficult this time. To combat the depression i have really tried to distract myself by throwing myself hard into work. The xmas season in itself has helped a bit though i would much rather be down there, they even have snow and we dont! Imagine, a Canadian winter and we have no snow. I can remember xmas holidays playing shinny on a neighbours pond but this year there is not even a hint of ice.
Anyway, i will return to blogging tomorrow as i just wanted to break the ice tonight and get started, but i really miss being with Mistress so much.
Until tomorrow.

March of the Toys

2006-11-28T16:13:00.000-05:00

Every trip slave and I have a little problem. It goes like this:
1. End trip realizing that besides a little rope, some cuffs, maybe the crop we don't need anything else.
2. Be apart talking a lot about how we don't need anything else.
3. Start fantasising about all these little cool toys we see.
4. Talk about how we aren't gong to buy them
5. Buy plane tickets.
6. Buy toys.
7. Use toys once, discovering that they: aren't practical, don't work, are the wrong size.
8. End trip realizing that besides a little rope, some cuffs, maybe the crop we don't need anything else.

No matter how many times we do this we don't seem to learn our lesson. So this trip, as usual we went on a TOY BUYING SPREE. And I knew, that as usual, we would have blown a couple of hundred dollars between us on crap. We bought a Sirik, a Feeldoe, a harness and butt-plug and a Fleshlight.

All I can say is WOW.

If I knew that every dollar spent on a toy was going to get me THIS...I'd spend all My cash right now.

The Sirik is AMAZING. It is Just. Exactly. Right. It looks good, it sounds good, it isn't to noisy and it is sooooo enslaving.

I
Love
It

The Fleshlight is ugly. I mean UGLY. I knew it would be a problem right off the bat because men are such visual little rats and this thing is UGLY. But I got him to close his eyes and turn his head (and the Sirik kept him damn well chained in place) and I used it on him. 4 strokes and he was begging Me for mercy. FOUR. F.O.U.R.

Had to be one of the most humiliating things in his whole life ever.

The harness looks fantastic and the plug fits. Honest. Really. He finally bought the right size. I might faint.

We haven't tried the Feeldoe yet but there is always tonight *grins*. And even if it doesn't work The other three are FABULOUS. I feel like a kid at Christmas (okay I'm a Jew but I feel like a kid that I can imagine at Christmas).

Can you imagine him. Chained, plugged, pushed against the fleshlight against his will?

I can.

Mistress Jen

Tomorrow!

2006-11-26T19:33:00.000-05:00

Ok, so Chelsea didnt win. They didnt lose either, but the net result is no celebrating so i'm still sober, which is just as well considering Mistress doesnt let me drink alcohol without permission.
It is also good because i suspect packing could have been a problem if i was seeing two of everything. Tomorrow is the day and i will leaving Pearson about lunchtime. I finished my shopping and among other things i picked up the Stuart McLean Xmas CDS collection for the Vynil Cafe. Any Canadians reading this will be familiar but for any others who arent, they are stories told by Stuart which are both poignant and hilarious and i am sure that Mistress being an uncultured American (i'm kidding ..honest) will really enjoy.
Anyway, given that my time will not be my own for the next couple of weeks i dont expect to be posting much but i will be having a hell of a wonderful time!

2 more sleeps

2006-11-25T17:17:00.000-05:00

Heading down to see Mistress in two days and i just cant express how much i am looking forward to it. Assuming that Chelsea beat Man U tomorrow, life will be wonderful on monday, well apart from the hangover of course. As you maybe can tell i am a huge soccer/football (depending on which side of the Atlantic you are on) fan and i have followed Chelsea since my now deceased grandfather took me to see them when i was five years old.
Often times i paint Mistress with a stern brush but i cannot emphasize enough how thoughtful that She can be. Case in point, Mistress subscribed to the U.S. television soccer channel so that i could watch it when i am there which, strangely enough brings up a bit of a problem for me. *grins* Now Mistress lives in a place that is seven hours behind GMT. So if most games kick off at 3pm UK time guess what? thats 8am. Stick with me here it will make sense any sentence now. Now, in terms of sexual desires and needs Mistress is at Her most voracious in the morning, demanding oral sex for an hour on a weekend morning is quite the norm. Does my problem suddenly fall into place? To compound the problem, Mistress has one of those beautiful 32" high definition TV's which, unfortunately for me is the bottom of Her bed. Now i ask you, do you think there is any chance of getting Mistress to lay with Her head at the bottom of the bed? i mean, i would be considerate and lift the covers and everything. i can imagine any Dommes reading this having a fit but think about it, can you imagine anything more visually exciting than having a line of sight that let you gaze between your Mistresses breasts as you watch the third replay of your favourite team scoring a goal. Really, can you imagine the tongue dexterity and body language as they hit the post or have a near miss.
i bought Mistress a baseball cap with the Chelsea logo on it, now if only i could find matching bra and panties. OK so i'm kidding and stretching it a bit but it still represents a problem for me so i guess i will have to check the TV schedule and try to entice Mistress early or delay Her depending on the time. Yeah i know, fat chance! What will probably happen is that as soon as Mistress reads this She will cancel the TV subscription or worse yet have me please Her but put the TV on and turn the sound off. That would drive me nuts!
Anyway, soccer or no soccer monday cant come soon enough.

A Full Year

2006-11-23T20:29:00.000-05:00

Mistress and i were talking today and it came up that it has now been a year since i have had a "normal" ejaculatory orgasm. Yes i know i keep bringing this up, but its my badge of honour and i will flash it if i want to. As we were talking, the lyrics of a song just popped into my head. No i have no idea why such silly things happen and yes, i do wonder how i make it through the day sometimes but the song struck me as somewhat appropriate. So to commemerate this noble, unselfish, heroic, magnificent act of 12 months of sacrifice i thought that i would shamelessly plagiarize it and following is the result.
(sung to the tune of Ill Never Love This Way Again with apologies to Dionne Warwick)
(oh christ i dont know how i switched the font again)
You looked inside my fantasies
And made each one come true
Something no one else
Had ever found a way to do-oo
I've kept the mem'ries one by one
Since you took me i-in
I know I'll never cum this way agai-ain

I know I'll never cum this way again
So I keep holdin' on
Because it gets so strong
I know I'll never cum this way again
Ho-old on, ho-old on (squeezes legs)
Ho-o-old on

A fool will waste tomorrow
Reaching out for yesterday
I turned my head in sorrow
When You said go away
I'll stand here and remember
Just how good it's bee-een
Because I know I'll never cum this way agai-ain

I know I'll never cum this way again
So I keep holdin' on
Because the good stuffs gone
I know I'll never cum this way again
Ho-o-old on, ho-old on
Ho-old o-on...
And if anyone reads this far can you tell me why the fonts change because i dont have a clue.

A New Focus

2006-11-22T21:30:00.000-05:00

i am heading down to see Mistress in 5 more days and i do not have the talent to put into type how much i am looking forward to it. i was scanning one of my favourite blogs http://www.downonmyknees.com/ and lo and behold there was a picture of steel slave shackles in the post marked "Bondage as Bliss" that by cooincedence Mistress had ordered for my visit and had arrived today. Now on one hand i am i am incredibly excited by the prospect of wearing those chains but at the same time so embarassed at the humiliation of doing so. Fantasies, like other facets in a relationship tend to evolve and i have always been very shy about sharing them with Mistress and it takes me a while to work up the courage.
To this point Mistress has always been patient but She stated flat out that this would change on this trip. Mistress informed me that She wanted me to offer my submission to Her and it was to be a consistent, ongoing attitude. In the beginning i was very happy to offer myself to Her and follow Her orders. Mistress no longer thinks that this is enough. i must now offer myself and my submission to Her in a participatory way. i must beg to wear the chains, i must beg to crawl behind Her, i must beg to be hogtied. Perhaps the simplest and most graphic example is when we are out together. i must always walk on Her left side and about half a step behind Her. Usually we walk and talk as would any couple unless of course i am ordered to "heel" in which case i am not allowed to speak unless spoken to and i am there merely to carry the bags. What She wants this trip is that when i open the car door for Her, i beg permission to heel. Now all of these things are somewhat embarassing but what is worse is that Mistress may refuse me the privelege of offering my submission which of course would be incredibly humiliating. Not only am i abasing myself so completely but i might even be refused!
Mistress says that this is but a stepping stone to other things, but the point is that there should be no little thoughts or secrets kept from Her and as Her slave i should be prepared to offer everything.
i suspect that these two weeks could be whole new experience.

Topping from the Bottom

2006-11-14T17:00:00.000-05:00

One of those mixed blessings that i have come to adore about Mistress is Her faith and confidence in Herself. We were discussing the qualities that attract us to the opposite sex and the two that i look for are, not surprisingly, intelligence and confidence. While we all have days of self doubt, Mistress always returns to this core belief in Her control that i find so enticing and reassuring. Perhaps the most important attribute that i feel a Domme needs is to instil in a slave is the belief that no matter what i do i cannot top from the bottom. If i feel that i can manipulate the situation in any way shape or form then the appeal of the relationship is tarnished. i do not mean to imply that Mistress will not listen to me or take advice after all we are business partners, but i have learned that She listens and decides. She make take and use my advice exactly how i present it or She may ignore it,but we both know that it is Her choice and She will not tolerate any pressure to use or reject what i suggest.
We did not start out that way, my natural personality can be quite forceful and abrupt, i am used to a leadership role in daily life and i would often make assumptions that because i believed that a certain path was the way to proceed then Mistress would take that one. i took a few attitude ajustments *grin* along the way but i came around to fact that taking anything for granted that involved Mistress was not a good plan. For me as a slave this was a tremendous source of comfort, and in fact quite liberating. i should point out that this does not mean that when Mistress has Her down times that She cant turn to me for support, quite the opposite, i appreciate seeing Her as a complete person and i view it as a huge compliment that She would turn to me for whatever help that She needed.
i think that the dreaded "topping from the bottom" can only really happen if the dominant is insecure in the relationship, and where the situation exists that the the dominant is confident what does it matter if the submissives advice is followed? After all, all that matters is the strength of the relationship.

Need Input

2006-11-14T16:56:00.000-05:00

i'm heading down to see Mistress in two weeks time and while we were talking last night She gently reminded me of something very uncomfortable that i had sort of forgotten. Mistress just happened to ask if i remembered that i was going to be punished. Damn! Dont you just hate it when Mistress doesnt forget? Actually i dont, but thats another blog post.
Now whether or not i deserve the punishment is irrelevent the fact remains that i'm going to get it. Now regular readers must surely understand that no matter how salacious my thoughts are toward Mistress i am a model of politeness and decorum around Her. Can anyone truly imagine that i would be the kind of slave who would deserve punishment and correction. Well as it turns out Mistress thinks i am so here is my problem. We both believe that for a punishment to be just that, it must be something that i truly dislike. i do not and have never liked pain, though i know that there are submissive/slaves that do. i hate it in fact so it is an effective punishment and behaviour adjuster. Mistress has a number of tools that cooincide with the severity of my offence, from tying me in a position that causes cramps to floggers to crops to the ultimate hatred...... the whip!
Now reading that list you might reach the conclusion the either Mistress is a sadist or i am a pain slut or that i do a lot of things wrong. None of those things are true, and i can assure you that i really dont think that tying Mistresses boot laces together while i am sitting at Her feet is a particularly bad thing to do. For an entirely different misdemeanour i am going get whipped and here i need some help. i really dont mind pain that is steady like a headache, i dont like it but i can adjust to it. i really struggle with intermittent sharp pain like the whip. Now i know that there are people who not only can handle this pain but actually embrace it and i am wondering if there is anything that they can teach me that will help? Are there tricks of the mind that can make a difference? Did i mention that i hate pain? *grins*
Is there any help out there?
PLEASE!

The Blahs

2006-11-12T12:13:00.000-05:00

i have had this burden of guilt bugging me for the last week. Its been two weeks since i posted and i have been struggling to put keyboard to screen so to speak. *thinks* That last sentence sounds like confession doesnt it. There has been no particular reason using up my time and preventing me, (well that G.W. guy kept calling for advice about somebody called Rumsfeld but that was about it) apart from a general malaise that has brought me down.
i really have no idea what has created this lethargy but i do have some thoughts, but the net result is something has truly dragged me down both mentally and physically. Mistress has been concerned because even my sex drive has been down, though i hasten to add that my core submissive feelings have remained intact. One of the things that i believe does not get enough notice is the weather. If you could take a paint roller loaded with grey paint and run it across the sky, that would have been what we have been looking at in Ontario for the last two weeks, well, apart from when it was raining which has been every second day. Its one of the things that i love when i go down to see Mistress, is the blue sky every day. i have a noticeable physical reaction (not that kind!) when i go out in the morning to a bright sunny day. Mistress causes a different physical reaction but thats another story. My physical and mental struggles have been interesting, My mental feelings of submission have been greatly diminished as well as my physical. One of the things that i do daily is lightly stroke my nipples and repeat a little mantra which goes "to please Mistress is to obey Her". This has the effect of causing an erection and focussing me completely on Her. It is only in the last couple of days that this has been coming back and i am relieved to see it.
i have to admit that i am really puzzled as to what brought this on but i am glad it seems to be leaving and i can get back to normal. i do realize that this is a terrible blog entry but i am going to post it anyway because the blog is important to me and i want to get back into to the habit again.

The Attraction of "Good boy"

2006-10-29T13:15:00.000-05:00

i was reading a post on the blog of http://hardwiredsub.blogspot.com/ and it occurred to me how important the words "good boy" are coming from the mouth of my Domme, and it would seem that i am not alone. There is a passage from one of the Gor books that i read many years ago that has stuck with since then. The books themselves are quite bad but at the time they satisfied a teenagers masturbatory fantasies and introduced to me a place of slavery that i was instinctively seeking but could not identify, remember this was pre internet.
"But most perhaps, incredible as it might seem, I feared that if I asked for a kindness, even a word or a gesture, it would be refused. Alone and slave, beaten and degraded, I found myself desperately in need of something, be it almost nothing, to indicate that I was a man, a human being, something that might, to some extent or degree, be worthing of respect or understanding. I think that if she, this proud woman, before whom I felt myself nothing, she my Mistress, if she had but cared to speak a word of simple kindness to me I might have cried out with gladness, willingly serving her in all things she asked. But if I should but beg a kindness, humbly, I feard it might be refused, that she might reject me in this as she had in all other things, my manhood and my humanity. And fused with this, excruciating in the pain of it, was my desire for her, the crying out of my blood that she had so, and deliberately, aroused."
The passage itself describes the hunger that every slave feels and the urgent pressing need to serve and please and to earn the approval of the owner.
One of the things that has changed in the relationship with Mistress is Her use of the words "good boy" (how the hell did i change the font?) At one time Mistress used to use it with me often and i appreciated hearing it, but in the last little while i have noticed that She uses it much less and that it is much more difficult to earn it. i asked Mistress about this and She laughed with the comment "I wondered when you would notice" Her feeling (and i believe Her to be right) is that i have now come to a point where i receive tremendous pleasure from pleasing Her, which of course i cultivate by obeying Her. (credit Lady Julia here for having me learn to meditate on this connection) Obeying Her is not just reacting to Her instructions or orders, obeying is also ANTICIPATING those orders and obeying them before they are given. Good boy is no longer given because i cleaned the kitchen to Her satisfaction after all that is now an expectation. Good boy is earned when i have cleaned up the kitchen and "oh by the way Mistress washed out the fridge and cleaned and rearranged the china cabinet that You had been talking about. This is one example and there many of them but the point is that the norm is just that and no more.
One of the things that Mistress does so well is that She pushes me more every day, not because i fear Her or that She orders it but because i want Her approval. i need it, i crave it and by raising the bar Mistress demands and takes more of Her slave. Good boy in itself is just two words, but it is the intent and satisfaction behind those words that i so desperately crave. To please Mistress is to obey Mistress and i love to obey Her.

Just for Fun

2006-10-25T11:33:00.000-04:00

After my little tirade yesterday someone sent me this which is an oldie but goodie and still worth a chuckle.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!!!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us!!!!!!!

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or

angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We can, and will, do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes !!!!!!!!!!!

1. You have too many shoes !!!!!!!!!!!

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Honest to goodness Mistress, i really really didnt write it!

Venus and mars

2006-10-24T16:19:00.000-04:00

Is it just me or has there been a noticeable increase recently in the involvement on this blog by Mistress Jen. Let me take a step back and say that when i started this, i did it as a way of jotting down my feelings and helping me stumble through the emotional Roller Coaster that comes with being a slave. i really had no expectation of others viewing nor did i care. i like reading other peoples blogs the way some people like television or reading the newspaper, it is a way that i relax and realize that allthough i have a kink i am not a depraved deviant. (well i might be but it seems i'm not alone) i am flattered that others find what i write worth reading and i hope that people continue to do so. Now as to Mistresses forays onto the blog. i did ask Her not to post Her picture even though i do think She looks great, but noooooooo Mistress knew better. Mistress told Her slave to be silent. Mistress said slave was a worry wart. (slave looks up i told you so in some obscure language that Mistress wont be able to trace). Having said that whats done is done and lets get on with life. This brings me to one of those great vagaries of life and this understanding and comprehending a woman, particularly a dominant demanding one.
Case in point. "You know slave, I really like the idea of lit candles on the table at dinner". Slave of course takes this to heart and makes a mental note to have candles on the table the next time that he is trying to make dinner a little more special for Mistress. Two days later slave is being dressed down and chewed out for not putting candles on the table at dinner.
Mistress, in anger "Slave i told you to put candles on the table"
Slave, in confusion "But Mistress You said You would like it"
Mistress, brandishing crop "I gave you an order!"
Slave, doubting his sanity "But Mistress saying You like isnt really giving and order"
Mistress, really irate now "Are you arguing with me slave?"
Slave, cringing "No Mistress, never Mistress, it wont happen again Mistress."
i realize that there is some exaggeration in this but the point is, if a woman wants something done why not just say so? Now a man would say "slave I would like candles on the table every night with dinner. See to it." See how simple that is? How direct? How little room for confusion?
i might be a slave but i think, for the most i am an average guy. i like sports, particularly Womens beach Volleyball, i like Beer, i like womens breasts,(sighs) and legs and bums and lips and........ (shakes head) Anyway, i like it simple. If You want me to empty the cats litter box, say so! Dont sniff and say that it smells stuffy in here because i will probably go and take a shower.
*thinks* ok i 'm confused and i cant remember what my original subject was.
Oh to hell with it i'm going out to buy candles.

Goony Slave

2006-10-23T22:35:00.000-04:00

My slave has attempted several times to write an update to the blog but seems to have blog block. I say this is brought on by the new attention from Janes. (3000 viewers in 5 days). He says the blog block is due to the blow to the head I laid into him on Saturday.

Well I don't care what the doctor said. He deserved it.

As he has said many times in the past he writes when he is ready to write and he writes for himself (and Me, of course). I suspect his dry spell will get wetter again in a few days...or after I finally follow through on the whole water torture thing I've been threatening.

Love,

Me

PS Whats wrong with all of you not leaving comments. Shame on you!

Ummm...there are an awful lot of you.

2006-10-21T09:40:00.000-04:00

I'd like you all to imagine a conversation...

now the 100 or so of you who knew jssubc and I before, say...THURSDAY will get this better then the 608 that we just "met" (welcome, by the way,...I think) but here it is:

Thursday Morning:
jssubc: I love the photos Mistress.

Mistress: They are fabulous slave. I shall post one of them (to our very tiny blog -- that only the same people -- who we sort of know-- who have blogs too --keep coming to visit).

jssubc: *doubtfully* Mistress is that a good idea? I mean it's the internet and...

Mistress: *cutting slave off with a royal shrug* I know best slave! you know nothing! What could go wrong? We get a few 100 visitors each day and we know most of them. I am right. you are barely toe squish beneath my lovely feet. Go get me a coffee.

jssubc: *making one last try, while getting coffee* i know it isn't my place to say Mistress and your royalness is very royal today but are you absolutely sure this is a goood...

Mistress: *gets gag, ending conversation*

Later that Afternoon:

Mistress: I put the photo up slave.

jssubc: *looks at the ceiling innocently*

Mistress: whats wrong with you! I have gotten a nice comment from a friend. you think to much.

jssubc: *coughs slightly* ummmm Mistress...? Did You know "You" have had over 600 hits to the blog today? More than tripling the previous high.

Mistress: *Preens* I am so beautiful they are all talking about me and flocking to see me.

jssub: *moves out of reach* ummm Mistress...? Did You know ummm.... *coughs* "You" have been reviewed on janes?

Mistress: HOLY SHIT I'm ALL OVER THE INTERNET.
*reads review*
HOLY SHIT THEY LOVE...wait a sec...they love YOU!!

Mistress goes in bedroom and sulks.

So. The day I take over jssubc's blog AND the day I put up a picture is the day that we get reviewed by janes guide. Is the day we get 600 hits. For those who are coming from janes skip reading all my posts and just read his. I would suggest you start with:
http://jssubc.blogspot.com/2006/09/fantasy-vs-reality.html
They were talking about him anyway *SULKS!!!*

Anyway if you are new here you scroll back a few months or weeks and start there as the last few posts here have either been by me (and apparently *I* am not good enough for a mention on Janes or they are more serious. Welcome anyway....even if my slave was (ugh) right.

Mistress Jen

ps jssubc...you deserved every single nice thing that jane woman had to say about you. I'm very, very deeply proud of you.

Photo Shoot.

2006-10-19T19:00:00.000-04:00

A few people asked for photos from the modeling session. So here's one.

Mistress Jen

Mistress Jen orders you to admire her and write nice comments. Heh.

A lot of things to say I think.

2006-10-17T21:17:00.000-04:00

My slave has posted a few blogs all in a row and I feel that to fill them out I will just make one big post and deal with all of them. I am not in a frame of mind to be particularly funny in my writing as he often is and I sometimes am so I apologize in advance if I seem overly serious.

First slave wrote about total obedience.
I summarize his post by saying that a scheduled 24 hours of total obedience, though it had some very intense and wonderful points, didn't work. Here is why, in my opinion, it didn't. Slave and I don't 'play'. Yeah I tie him up, or flog him, or make him crawl but we don't play. Its just part of our entire relationship. The number of times that we have decided to "try" something it simply hasn't worked. We had a time when We (thats the royal we) decided we were going to explore pain. It didn't work either. Everything we do needs to be integrated into the larger picture of us being together. It works fine for Me to make him call Me Mistress at the end of every sentence for the period of time that I'm feeling that dommish. Doing it for an arbitrary period of time at an arbitrary time just creates a feeling of playing not being. What I realized is that I don't want instant obedience I want instant acceptance and willingness. I don't need to make arbitrary rules to get that. I need to, have I think, trained him to accept my rules completely as they happen. If tell him to lick my feet in the grocery store I want instant mental acceptance of My right to do that. I don't need to make 24 hours to do that. I want that mental acceptance all the time. I've got it. Why take something so great and bind it to something that doesn't matter like 'this saturday'. I will never do that again. If I want to play interrogator and captive it will be spontaneous and fun and lively...just as I am. I will never again force something to happen. Why would I when I can have it all anyway.

Then slave wrote about feminizing.
He thought I forgot. I didn't. I wanted to test the theory of above. That I can tell my slave to do things that are out of the ordinary for me with absolutely no reason just because I want to and then I can ignore that he is doing it and STILL have his instant acceptance. He didn't mention that the same day when he asked me a question I told him that to answer the question he would have to pay me 50 dollars. Again, unlike in the past, he didn't balk, he didn't question, he asked me how I wanted the money and how to set up a paypal account. That is what I want. Not him in stockings, not 50 dollars. I want total acceptance of my directions to him. I want him to do things because if I ask for it then it matters to him. Period.

Does that make sense?

Then My slave wrote about stress making him subby and Me *not* Dommish. All I have to say about this is that it makes perfect sense to me. The more pampered, relaxed, dressed, house cleaned, well-fed, bathed, foot-rubbed and treated like a queen I am the more I feel like the (pampered, relaxed, dressed, house cleaned, well-fed, bathed, foot-rubbed and treated like a queen) I am. The more he has to do for me the more work/stress there is for him. He has the stress of having to be perfect and that makes him all the more subby.

Me=Relaxed Domme Queen
him=Hard working, oppressed slave.

Perfect.

Kisses!!

Mistress Jen

Inconsistent Feelings

2006-10-17T10:24:00.000-04:00

Domme space and subspace are two complementing emotions, though i only have experience with one and usually Mistress and i are in pretty good synch. Not always but for the most part we are. The last week or so have been particularly difficult for us work wise, more so for Mistress than for me. Those who read my blog on a regular basis know that we work together though at locations that are a long way apart. We have been on the phone an awful lot as we get through this and something really struck me as we worked.
When times are difficult and stress levels rise at work then is when my submissive tendencies really kick in. It's as if it provides a counterbalance for my daily "in charge" work mode and i have really come to depend on Mistress helping me through these times. Some people drink, some people go to the gym, some people meditate. i crawl to Mistress. For the most part in the past we have never been "under the gun" together so to speak and we have always been able to help each other. When Mistress feels Dommish i am there for her and when i feel submissive She is there for me. Now tense work situations encourage my sub side but tense work situations tend to negate Mistresses Dommish side. What usually happens is that Mistress will show little interest in Domming me until the tension has past and then Her tendencies come back 5 fold and we go into an intense BDSM orgy. At least as much as we can if we are together or apart.
What has happened this time is that we are both under pressure together and so i am in desperate need of Her control and She is in desperate need of my vanilla support..... quite a quandry.
Right now i am managing and we are pulling through this but i hope it happens soon!

Feminizing .....Sort of

2006-10-16T19:54:00.000-04:00

Mistress told me last week to buy myself some stockings and to wear them all day on Monday (today). Now i am not entirely sure why She wanted this but an order is an order. i should point out that i have no interest in feminization nor do i have any particular aversion either. Putting them on was a bit of a pain because i couldnt seem to get an even spread of the material and they were kind of tight in the crotch area. i also found out that they rip surprisingly easily if you pull on them to hard. Now i may seem like a bit of a klutz but bear in mind that my experience is all in removing them as opposed to putting them on. They were a constant reminder and a bit of an irritant for the entire day, especially going to the washroom. What a pain that is and that was where i ripped the second pair. i always knew for sure that god was a man otherwise mens shirts would button down the back but now i also think that if god was a woman then men would wear stockings.
I had this completely irrational fear all day that someone would realize what i was wearing, silly i know but there just the same which perhaps was the whole purpose.
One last thing. Mistress hasnt mentioned it once today and i strongly think that She forgot She told me to do it ...... go figure!

Total Obedience

2006-10-11T23:38:00.000-04:00

Mistress and i share an addiction to exploring the limits to the BDSM aspect to our relationship and as yet havent found any. i don't mean in a physical sense but more in what we learn about each other, it seems that every time we get to some kind of new level in the relationship we discover that there is yet more to explore, and after four years we have done a lot of exploring.
One of the things that we discussed and decided to examine on my last trip was that of total obedience. By this i mean that we would experience extreme ritual and perfect obedience and the attendant lifestyle changes. What we decided was to take 24 hours and experiment with this idea and see what transpired. We allready have some ritual in how we interact, i ALWAYS open and close car doors for Her, i ALWAYS kiss Mistresses feet as i remove and put on Her shoes as She enters or leaves the house. Some things arent quite as formal. i dont always use the honorific of Mistress when we converse or She gives me instructions and various other things. For our experiment we decided to go to the extreme with such changes as never finishing a sentence without Her title, always crawling when in the same room as Her, never sitting beside Her, always beneath Her, eating from a bowl in the floor. There were others as well but to many to bore a reader with, but the aim was to deal with any transgressions forcefully and swiftly and thus create an absolute draconian environment in which we could find out more about ourselves.
This was not a silly fantasy to live out, rather it was an experiment to test the practicality and see if we could learn anything that would enrich our relationship. I will report that the experiment was a complete and utter failure. Crawling all the time hurt and far from focussing me, it tended to disract me as i reacted to the discomfort. Using Mistress in every sentence caused stilted conversation and an uncomfortable distance between us. Eating from a bowl caused meals to last forever with little interaction though i have to admit that eating pasta from Mistresses foot was a heady experience and very exciting even if it was kinda cold.
When all put together though it seemed that contrary to our expectations our experiment felt like a punishment to me and though i cant comment for Mistress i have it on good authority that She wasnt particularly enthused about it either. i do think that for a short term demonstration of power this experiment is quite effective but for a lengthy period of time it just doesnt seem feasible or practical.
Though it did have its moments *grin*

A Trip to the Photographer

2006-10-11T23:29:00.000-04:00

A while back Mistress was given a gift of a session with a photographer. She had the usual girly results when She went, thighs to fat, hair to messy, stomach to prominent, chin to long, Mars to close to Venus, you know the usual stuff. i saw the pics and thought She looked really hot but then i am biased, although due to this shoot and the fact that another photographer saw Her, She got a phone call from this other photographer asking Her to participate in another photo shoot as part of a theme series that he was producing and planning to sell.
Mistress indicated that She would as long as i could accompany Her and the fee would be that he took some pictures of us. We talked a fair bit about what we wanted and Mistress pretty much left it up to me. i chose my clothes and Hers and off we went. i was dressed in a suit and tie with my leather collar on and Mistress was in an evening gown. While She sat in a chair, i knelt beside Her as She held a leash attached to my collar. This was the first time that i have been Her slave in public and i think the photographer was having some trouble adjusting to the fact that a seemingly normal guy (had him fooled huh?) would allow a woman barely half his size to lead him around by a leash. i really have to admit that it was completely traumatic for me as well, i swear his eyes popped as i kissed Her feet before putting on Her shoes. i havent seen the pics yet but i am really looking forward to them. The rest of the shoot was kinda fun, Mistress was dressed in various guises most of which included a sword and Her being topless and i thought She really was amazing and yes i am still biased.
We left and stopped for dinner and discussed the session in full. i believe Mistress will speak Her thoughts if She is in the mood but for myself it really was the first time that i felt confident in revealing my status in front of a vanilla person and more importantly i was happy to. i dont know if other subs feel this way but i have always felt that it would be easier to reveal my submissive side to women rather than men, illogical i know but i am full of strange quirks.
On the whole i really enjoyed the experience. i got to see Mistress confidently displaying Herself to the camera, i got to have a picture taken that i am really looking forward to seeing and i reached a point where i am prepared to show the vanilla world that i belong to a very special woman.

What makes a Domme?

2006-10-11T19:40:00.000-04:00

One of the things that has always puzzled me is what makes a woman a Domme. i mean this is right up there with why is a grapefruit called a grapefruit? Its nothing like a grape and it tastes like you know what.
i spent my younger years desperately wanting to meet a dominant woman, fantasizing endlessly and dreaming constantly of serving Her. i always thought that if i could figure out what made a woman dominant then i would have a better chance of recognizing one. Well the long and the short of it is that i got no closer to that than i did solving the Mid East crisis but i have had some interesting discussions with some wonderful women along the way.
i have come to believe that the basic ingredient is genetic, any sociological conditioning is irrelevant without it. While i have no scientific proof, i have, rightly or wrongly come to that conclusion. Having talked to many dominant women, the only thing that i could find that they had in common was some kind of "hole" with the relationship (or lack of) with their father. Now i realize that is vague and complete conjecture and could be complete coincidence but it is more idle curiosity than anything else. i am not saying that they were mistreated but that something was missing in the relationship. Mistress for instance has a very successful father and lacked for nothing. She has been all over the world and always had the best of everything. Her father though was incredibly demanding, and in my opinion unreasonable and witheld that one vital ingredient, namely love and affection. Yes he loved Her but he didnt offer Her that precious commodity.
The Dommes that i have talked to about this have all had said that there was something missing in their relationship with their father that they regreted. i will repeat that this is not an opinion but i am genuinely curious and believe me this is completley in praise of dominant women but if i get any opinions i would appreciate it.

Tribulations of a cold

2006-10-10T19:24:00.000-04:00

It has been a while since i last posted and i really have no excuse other than lazyness. i have been going through my usual post visit crash and it has been a tough one. Love and a BDSM relationship do not go well with being apart.
Mistress made a rather captious post complaing about Her lack of nookie and the consequences of said actions, or lack of. Now far be it from me to make observations about Mistresses voracity as to all things sexual i, (in my defence) would like to point out that Mistress, by Her own admission availed Herself of Her slaves services to a minimum of ten orgasms a day. To further illustrate the unfounded digruntlement that Mistress conveys, it should be pointed out that something happens to Mistress somewhere around dawn. Unlike Cinderella Mistress turns into a voracious, ravening sexual predator as soon as daylight hits the window .....or sooner. Anyway the point of this excercise is to point out that last week mistress came down with a cold, strangely enough this is the same cold that i had two weeks ago and yes, i know it's all my fault. Mistress is of course on deaths door, She has of course the worst cold in the world and much much worse than anything i ever had.
Now, believe it or not this is where it actually all comes together. i have a terrible cold, Mistress wants Her nookie and i (halfway to deaths door) wake to "please me slave", "coffee slave", "please me slave", run my shower slave", "please me slave". Well you get my drift. Now can you imagine a poor, helpless, needy slave desperately trying to please his Mistress with a stuffed up nose. Now at the risk of sounding crude and vulgar i would point out that it is not the easiest thing in the world to apply the proper pressure and oral ministrations exactly how Mistress wants them when you CANT BREATHE! i mean my nose is plugged, my eyes are bulging, ears collapsing, getting dizzy from lack of oxygen and all i can hear is the moans of happiness that i selflessy sacrifise myself to engender. And no, i didnt sneeze i paid complete and perfect attention even at the risk of my own health and welfare.
Now, i ask you can anything more be asked of such a humble, reverential, adoring, self effacing, perfect, servile slave.
Mind you, a contented Mistress is a happy Mistress.

Missing the Nookie

2006-09-29T13:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Slave,

It has come to my attention that we have had a serious violation of the contract between us. So I wish to take this time to review the document and penalties for breech of contract.

As you will recall on page 287 of the contract in section 29 A part 2 it states:

Section 29 A part 2
Morning Nookie:
It is the duty of the slave to offer to provide Mistress with morning nookie. Morning nookie can include, but is not limited to, kissing, licking, sucking, making love to, worshipping, adoring and satisfying Mistress in every way possible while Mistress doesn’t even open her eyes. (See section 12 R parts 6 through 18 for the definitions of satisfying Mistress). Morning nookie is a required part of the slave description and failure to provide morning nookie will be accompanied by serious penalties. (See section 29 B part 1)

Section 29 A part 3
Morning, for the purposes of this contract, is defined as the time AFTER midnight and BEFORE noon that the Mistress wakes up and rolls over demanding nookie.

And, as you will further recall, slave, the penalties for missed morning nookie can be severe:

Section 29 B part 1
Should the slave fail to offer morning nookie for reasons other than international terrorist emergency, interference by deity other than Mistress (god, Allah, Buddha etc.) being on deathbed (Mistress or slave) penalties will begin to accumulate up to and including dismissal of said slave. Other penalties might include, but are not limited to, finding a morning nookie slave to provide said service etc.

Written and verbal warnings would be provided prior to early termination of the slave contract.

Now slave I realize you have had a cold and have been under the weather but there is not provision for this in the slave contract consequently I am placing a letter into the slave personal file documenting your poor performance in this area on the dates of Friday Sept 29th 2006 and previously on Tuesday Sept 27th, 2006. Should there be continued violations of the CRUCIAL morning nookie clause serious action will have to be taken.

Please consider your future here at Mistress Jen Inc. and try to improve your behaviour before the next slave employment review meeting.

Sincerely,

Mistress

Catching up

2006-09-28T02:01:00.000-04:00

When i came down to see Mistress i honestly felt that i could keep up my blog on a daily basis and i was actually looking forward to it. i really like to look back over my posts and remember the events and my mindset at the time. What i didnt forsee and really in hindsight it should have been obvious is that i want to spend all of my time with Mistress. It really does not matter to me in what form i get that time, its just that we only get to see each other every 2 or 3 months and quite frankly i would rather spend my time with Her than on the computer. i havent even played a single game of Age of Empires since i got here.
It is midnight here and Mistress is asleep and my insomnia is active though i am very tired but two things happened today that i want to record. The first is that we went for a beer after work tonight and the waiter, seeing my empty glass asked if i would like another, to which i absently answered in the affirmative without asking Mistress first. Now this was one of those times that i wished i could reach across the table and pull the words back. i knew i had screwed up, and badly. Mistress said nothing and in fact we went for a nice walk after but i knew i was in trouble and sure enough when we got home i was tied to the bedframe and after a few light "kisses" with the whip a firm stroke came down. The pain was horrible and i thought i was in big trouble but Mistress just whispered in my ear "you know what that was for dont you slave" i nodded as i answered yes Mistress, "I wont have to do that again will i slave?" The words poured out that no She never would and i swore up and down that i understood the lesson but She simply silenced me with a "good, because next time I wont stop at one" and released me.
The other incident which seems so simple and yet made a huge impact on me was when Mistress and i stood facing each other and She was kissing me passionately and was teasing my nipples with Her fingertips. My nipples are incredibly sensitive and i tried to respond with my hands but She told me not to move a muscle except my mouth. It is the first time that She had done that to me and it was incredible. i felt so helpless and humiliated and powerless, not only was She driving me up the wall sexually but She was controlling me physically, and i craved Her control to the point of madness. It was an incredible turn on and so demonstrative of Her power. i think i am 6" taller and 90lbs heavier and yet here i was locked up tight by nothing stronger than Her voice........ Damn i'm excited again.
It's one of those things that i find so interesting about Femdom in the sense that Mistress can be sated physically and emotionally by using me and yet i, who is constantly kept in denial have no choice but to respond to Her with every part of me when She chooses to use me.
Oh hell i'm going to bed before i make it even tougher for myself.

Day2 plus a couple

2006-09-25T03:45:00.000-04:00

Despite the best of intentions my vow to post daily has gone by the wayside, though now that the roadtrip is over i will do my best to keep it up from here on. ( no pun intended)
i woke up on Thursday morning with my body horny as hell and still on Eastern time. At 4.45am i wondered what the chances were of enticing Mistress into some early morning sexual calisthentics and so i figured why not? She would either go for it which was good or at that time of the morning She would threaten to beat me and go back to sleep and the odds were good that i could convince Her that She had been dreaming. Well not only was the answer affirmitive but positively enthusiastic and an hour and a half later i was dragging my unsatisfied and aching body into the shower while a smug and smiling Mistress demanded i hurry up and get breakfast prepared as soon as i was out.
We had a couple of meetings but skipped out of work mid afternoon and got a half hour nap then loaded the car and took off. i wont bore anyone with the details but the video will be available for a small fee in the near future. We covered Roswell, Whites Sands, Carlsbad, Silver City and another town who's name i cant pronounce or remember. There were a couple of humorous situations such as choosing the the "rugged" route in the Carlsbad Caverns where partway down the 750' descent some idiot, (me) realized that looking out over a ginormous black hole was not a good idea for someone (me again) with vertigo. It was so humiliating having my hand held by this woman barely half my size and led down the ramps while 70 year olds skipped by us waving their walking sticks. Needless to say we took the elevator back up. Roswell was as tacky as you would expect from a town that owes its existence to dubious UFO sightings. The McDonalds in town was even built in the shape of a flying saucer! We didnt see any Aliens though, not unless you count the guy at the end of the bar on Thursday night. White Sands was an incredible sight though the missile museum was a bit of a letdown, nothing was being blown up anywhere. Silver City was a neat town but we didnt have enough time to explore it but the drive back through the mountains was absolutely spectacular. We drove through the mountains at a little over 7000' and it takes about 90 mins but you cant get over 15mph. Hairpin bends are the norm with drops of thousands of feet that begin 3 feet from the edge of the road and get this, NO safety rails. i reminded Mistress that as the observer i had the tough job and She should concentrate on the road. i thought i heard something muttered to the effect that sounded like "i'm gonna beat you", some Dommes have no appreciation for the efforts that their slaves put out on their behalf. i have to admit that with my vertigo i really struggled but after biting through three pencils and the straps on Mistresses purse my superb navigational skills got us through. In all seriousness if any readers get the chance to take the 152 between Silver City and Truth or Consequences, (no shit that really is a town) take it, the Gila National Park and the drive through it is incredible. Oh and one last note, make sure you take the drive during daylight hours because there are signs posted that say "caution, roads not plowed during evenings and weekends". Honest to god thats what they say, now theres a union job if ever i saw one lol.
We got home at 11pm on the Saturday and after 4 hours of driving Mistress was not in a relaxed and happy state of mind. My suggestion of "lets crash and chat in the morning" was met with an icy stare. Am i the only one that thinks women lose their sense of humour once they pass the age of 20?
Mistress definetely had other plans and chief among them was using Her slave to relieve the stress. Owing to the monthly "curse" She chose not to be pleased orally but mounted me and took full advantage of what was Hers. i have no idea of how many orgasms She had but i do know what She put me through. Mistress has two favourites that drive me crazy. One is to have me on my back and mount me but move very slowly while brushing my nipples with Her fingernails, my nipples are extremely sensitive and i get instant erections from just nipple teasing so You can imagine my mindset as She was doing this. The second is something that She does after She has climaxed a number of times and that is to lie on Her back and i kneel between Her legs and enter Her. The difference here is that once inside of Her i am not allowed to move ....at all, and She will reach down and please Herself while i struggle with my self control and the need to move within Her. It is an incredibly difficult thing for me.
My insomnia seems to be passing and i am tired but i see that it is now 4.49am ......(looks at the bedroom door) i wonder .................

Day 1

2006-09-21T14:19:00.000-04:00

Well i arrived, 20 mins late but safe and sound so all is well. As luck would have it i was first off the plane and my luggage was first on the carousel, talk about good omens. Mistress was waiting for me...... black pumps, black skirt, stockings (thigh highs) and a tight cream coloured sweater, christ She looked hot. It was an outfit that would send a horny subs libido into overdrive..... and it did!
We played tonsil hockey and exchanged saliva for 15 mins but eventually got under way and i drove of course. The rain was pouring down and i had to concentrate which wasnt easy as Mistress was resting Her feet on my groin and could never seem to get comfortable, it seemed that the only way She could achieve that was to lean forward and tease my nipples.
Getting to the house seemed to take forever but as we walked in the door i couldnt get to my knees fast enough to remove Her shoes and kiss Her feet. Having had me strip, Mistress sent me to get what She had left on the floor in Her bedroom, crawling of course. i returned with cuffs, a blindfold, a rope halter for my neck and of course the crop. The crop, i always have to present to Her in my teeth and on my knees. Mistress placed the rope halter around my neck and led me to the bedroom. It was now about 10.30pm local time and i was still on Eastern time so my body was at 12.30am. I mention this because my body was on fire, here i was kneeling beside Mistress rubbing my cheek lightly against Her calf, horny as hell wishing that She would hurry up and use me. Mistress was doing the girly thing and being romantic and saying how nice it was to see me etc. i was doing the guy thing and wishing She would get Her clothes off.
At the risk of sounding crude Mistresses period had started the day before (see the fantasy vs reality post) and doesnt like to be pleased orally at this time (insert sigh of relief here) but She tied me to the bed and used me ........a lot!
Cuddling and sleep came quickly and so did the early wake up call, but thats tomorrows post.

The many visitors and readers

2006-09-19T20:07:00.000-04:00

A month ago, or so, another Domme suggested that people use a free site called www.statcounter.com to track visitors to their blogs. For fun I put the little piece of code on the website and have been fascinated by what I have found.

jssubc has had hundreds upon hundreds of visitors. Very few of you comment, as you must know, but so many people read it.

Let me reassure you that there is NO way to identify an individual from the information that statcounter gathers. I couldn't track you down even if I wanted to...which I don't. Though I have to admit that I would love to have conversations with you and find out what you are thinking but then I am a naturally curious person.

We have had visitors from China, Thailand, Japan, Wales, Brazil, Austalia, Germany, Turkey, Poland, Norway, Canada, England, USA (of course) and many others.

I like to think about the man or woman who lives in (????) fill in your blank here and I wonder about who you are and your lives and what, if anything, this blog means to you. jssubc thinks that I am completely nuts, but then I also wonder about the life of the person that puts up all the stop signs in the city or the person that decides where the stop signs go. As I said he thinks I'm crazy.

Anyway. I hope none of you are worried about being tracked down because that isn't possible but I get a great deal of satisfaction from knowing that some man or woman from New York or Texas or New Zealand or whatever is a regular reader...

So.

Thanks.

Mistress Jen

PS He's gonna be here tomorrow! Get out the whip!

Heading South

2006-09-19T16:25:00.000-04:00

i havent really posted much recently, it seems that every time i get a good subject i have forgotten it before i get a chance to sit down and concentrate. Anyway, i am heading south to see Mistress tomorrow which of course i am really looking forward to. When i am there i am going to try and post daily of our adventures, just so that i can view a snapshot of my feelings and (mis)adventures and i figure that by posting it here i will be forced to make the time.
Heres to sunny New Mexico.

Meaningless words

2006-09-13T20:32:00.000-04:00

If anyone is going to read this i have to warn you that this post is a bit of a rant about one of my pet peeves so if i bore you i'm sorry but you cant say that i didn't warn you. My problem is with people that say things that they dont mean. How many times a day do you get the phrase "how are you?" To those that really mean it i apologise but for the most part the person asking it couldnt give a toss whether you have just contracted the Bubonic plague or a sibling just offed themselves!
To inquire as to someones welfare is a nice gesture, as long as the person asking MEANS IT! How often have you heard "lets do lunch", now my favourite retort to that is an enthusiastic "what a great idea!" "i'm free Tuesday and Wednesday of next week, how about you?" The look of confusion on the persons face is priceless as they retreat with mumbled protestations of "im really so busy" or "i dont have my diary with but i'll call you." What a load of bollocks! My favourite is the supermarket check out line where the cashier doesn't even look at you as they say "how are you?" my retort is now "absolutely terrible, can i tell you about it?" A stony veil of silence quickly settles on that conversation i can tell you. Yes i freely admit that i am miserable and cantankerous and of questionable parentage on my fathers side, but i am a SINCERE miserable, cantankerous bastard! I dont make offers that i dont mean, or that i am prepared to keep and my friends know that i will go anywhere for them. (especially if there is a pub crawl involved)
Now the problem with being a slave is that you have to do as your Mistress tells you. Mistress Jennifer happens to be one of those people that can talk to a tree. She picks up all kinds of waifs and strays along the way and i dutifully stand behind Her as the other person explains why they wear green socks with blue underwear (she lives in Santa Fe) or why their childs 8 year old karma is interfering with the grade 3 math program. A reader can imagine my frustration with this scenario. The problem i run into is that Mistress really cares about other people and would take in just about any needy person or animal She came into contact with. She is fostering a litter of kittens for the pound at the moment and i hope they are gone before i get there because cleaning up after cats is not my favourite chore.
Now this diatribe is actually going somewhere because Mistress is a wiz in a Femdomme talker (surprised huh?) and as such becomes the shoulder to cry on and the Ann Landers of the sub male wannabe's. They ask Her all kinds of questions and She listens patiently and on a couple of ocassions has passed them onto me. i truly enjoy helping people, but after a couple of hours of explaining and listening and pointing that Mistress also has Her bad days, and isnt permanently available for fantasy roleplay, and yes i easily do the majority of the housework, and no i'm not always into the nude with a dildo up my bum i think to myself "oh for christ sakes get in or get out!" Being a slave to Mistress Jennifer is the most incredible joyous feeling that i have ever encountered but dont expect me to talk you into trying this lifestyle.
i have know that i am a submissive male to the right woman for as log as i can remember and i was in my 30's before i finally said to myself that i would not go to my grave without at least trying to experience serving a dominant woman. i got very lucky and spent time with a wonderful woman who introduced me to this lifestyle. We are still friends and we still talk and i will be eternally grateful to Her. It didnt work out for us as a Domme/sub couple and i didnt "play " with another Domme until i met Mistress. i socialized and learnt from some and drank a zillion beers with a couple of others but i didnt experience that spark until i met Mistress Jennifer. Four years later i am still learning about myself and how deeply the mindset of a slave can enter my psyche.
i guess what i am saying is that words are meaningless unless they are backed up by actions and honesty and sincerity are in short supply in life, so when you get the chance to share it with a special woman .....GO FOR IT AND MEAN IT!!!!!

Fantasy vs Reality

2006-09-05T13:39:00.000-04:00

One of the things that one learns quickly about in a BDSM relationship is that some fantasies are best left as just that. Mistress and i were discussing some things that had gone a little less than ideal when we had tried to act on a fantasy, some with (now) amusing results.

Mistress interjects here:
*closes eyes and repeats: I have a sense of humor I have a sense of humor I have a sense of humor*

A reader may have noticed that i have often mentioned Mistresses cat. His name is Buddy and strangely enough i named him even though i dont like cats. Now Buddy is a 45lb blimp, when Mistress and i have sex and the Earth moves, it's really just Buddy coming down the stairs, i mean that feline killing machine couldnt catch a cold. He can however affect the course of a particularly intense scene. Picture this if you will: Mistress dressed to the hilt in Her leather corset, thigh highs, garter belt, crop etc. and me tied spread eagled, face up on the bed in a state of drooling excitement and Buddy decides for the first time in three years that he wants to play the hunter....... with my genitalia! Imagine 45lbs of feline fury landing on YOUR cock, claws and all. That cat is lucky to be alive i tell you, and i'm lucky not to speak in a different octave.

It is true that Buddy is big boned...on the other hand slave...so are you...remember the time you went to sleep with your head on my thigh and I had pins and needles for an hour? I know you have a swelled head but that was ridiculous! Oh, and isn't it ironic that you have to cap the CAT'S name but have to refer to yourself in small letters.

Ever notice how common a fantasy kneeling is? As in: i can crawl and stay on my knees all day, well at least i thought i could until i found out Mistresses new house has ceramic tile throughout. That stuff gets F******G painful and kneeling on it becomes very very uncomfortable in a short space of time. So to compromise, instead of kneeling at Her feet i sit on my bum, theres lots of padding there. As an aside ceramic floors are deadly when they are wet and after poor slave (me) has spent hours washing them, me and Buddy sit on the floor with our beer and cigarettes waiting to see if Mistress takes a corner to fast. It really is neat to watch Mistress do a triple Sowkow in Her underwear, i have even taught Buddy to do hi 5's! Mistress then found out that by tying me up and flicking my erection with Her finger Buddy thinks that this is a game and jumps on it like a ball of yarn.
Wet floors now have caution signs on them.

This blog is about how reality is different then fantasy. If you want to bring up my skidding across the wet floor on my hands and knees perhaps I should bring up a few things myself! The time I spent 200 bucks on new toys and you threw them out...still gone! The TWO times you bought anal toys at my direction in the EXTRA large size and when you showed them to me we both started laughing. And I won't mention the look on your face when I made you clean the girl's bathroom.

At one point Mistress bought a long length of chain and insisted i do my household chores attached to it. Do you have any idea how loud that can be on a ceramic floor? After three tylenol and a glass of wine Mistress decided that wasnt such a good plan. i mean Marleys ghost had nothing on me!

When i go down there Mistress immediately takes possession of anything that i can use to get away, my passport, my credit cards, my bank card and most importantly my money. i am in effect pennyless and i have to ask Her for anything and everything which normally doesnt present a problem until the day that Mistress dropped all the money that i had given Her, almost $500 in the parking lot of the grocery store. There we were at the checkout wondering where the cash had gone and then racing to the car which of course did not yield up anything. Believe it or not though someone actually picked it up and handed it in to the store manager and we got it back.

My slave made me write a thank you letter and he graciously offered to pay for the stamp.

At 11pm one night, Mistress declared that She was hungry and felt like a snack of which hard boiled eggs were to be the centrepiece. Off goes the nude slave who only wants to go to sleep to prepare the snack for Mistress with infinite TLC. Turns out that things take longer at high altitude (7,000 feet) and despite my best intentions the hard boiled eggs were runny. Not only did i get to sleep with Buddy that night but i have to endure endless jibes about what kind of slave cant even boil an egg.

Even *I* can boil and egg. And be honest you got it wrong 3 times in a row.

i remember when Mistress began to indulge Her fantasy of flogging. Now this was a doozy! Picture this. The vivacious, powerful, sexy, animated, scintillating Domme swinging the flogger with ruthless abandon ....... at least until She hit Herself on the back of the head on Her backswing. Boy did that kill the moment. Turns out that a slave isnt supposed to laugh when his Mistress hits Herself. Go figure!

Mistress and i played a game of hide the punishment implement. The rules were simple. i was hogtied and i had hidden the whip. Mistress had five minutes to get me to tell Her where it was, if She found out She would use it on me, if She didnt i could have a beer with dinner. After less than a minute with the Wartenberg Wheel on the soles of my feet i buckled and told Her it was in the laundry room. Four and a half minutes later Mistress, smug and casual in Her victory discovered that it wasnt and was berating me for lying. i won though! *grins*

Last time I'll trust you!

Our first foray into the world of dildoes and anal was as You would expect, not quite a smooth and seamless scenario. Mistress tied me across a coffee table and as You would expect for my first time was solicitous and caring. She paid a lot of attention to my welfare and talked to me gently and encouragingly. The dildo itself was the non-rigid type and i had seen it in the harness and i was dreading it. Mistress applied the lube in copious quantities and proceeded to deflower me. Well She tried to anyway, after feeling some pressure a couple of times i craned my neck to look at Her. "umm Mistress?" i asked with an innocent, dolefull look on my face. "yes slave?" came the caring response. (big breath from slave here) "Mistress i think You missed". Boy did that kill the moment. One sore backside later Mistress had rectified that situation.

I suppose there is a reason that you call me Calamity Jen.

One of the reasons that i love Mistress so much is Her sense of humour. These situations could have been difficult and spoiled things for both of us. A fantasy is just that, sometimes in real life you get lucky and they are better than you could imagine but others are just .....well they can be disasters. The one thing that we have learned and shared together is that life is to short to be taken too seriously, if it doesnt go well, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again.

And in all seriousness, we have tried almost everything more than once and we usually get it right the second or third time. Fantasy is a lot easier then reality. On the phone or online you skip over all the details. Being kept naked all the time in the snowbelt will get you frostbite, kneeling while carrying a tray can cause burns from spills, you have to pee before you have sex in the morning and losing ciriculation in your feet is not usually a good thing. I love online and phone with my slave because it is so mental but real life is much deeper, much funnier, and much more fufilling --MISTRESS (calamity Jen)

Long Distance Thoughts

2006-09-04T13:35:00.000-04:00

i was asked by someone in a private email if they could use someone of my comments posted on my blog regarding the nature of a long distance relationship. i replied that i had no problem at all and to help themselves. It was only after, as i thought about it that i realized that i had never made a post addressing that particular situation. i have mentioned it many times yes but never specifically commented on it. Something happened between Mistress and i today which made me think that i should and i will.
Believe it or not, there are plusses to a long distance realtionship most of which are emotional. The fact that we are apart so much allows us detached analysis of our times together and many hours of discussion in terms of what we enjoyed/not enjoyed, would like to try and reject. By far and away though the strongest feeling is that when we are together my (and i assume our) emotions are supercharged. Because our time together is finite and limited we tend to live every moment together to its fullest. Meals are not leftovers but special occassions, showers are a celebration of worship, breakfast evolves into sex and so on. It is as if we have to compact a years experiences into two or three weeks and the result is like a 24/7 adrenaline rush. i cannot describe the intensity of emotions that i feel when i come through the terminal and see Mistress standing waiting for me. (well except for the time She was getting Her nails done and i had to take a cab) i believe any slave will understand how strong and rewarding the submiisive feelings are in this kind of situation, in a sense we get to gorge on our feelings and emotions every few months without the attendant humdrum attitude that can set in with day to day life. i do not mean to imply that i consider this superior to a 24/7 relationship, far from it, in fact i am quite jealous and would love to have this and who knows, i might have it soon.
The difficulty is the insecurity that i feel. Because i have have not been able to definitively state to Mistress that yes, i will move down to You within a certain amount of time i truly feel that i do not have the right to ask Mistress to remain faithful to me. (i do to Her of course) Some would say that if it is a true Mistress/slave relationship then i dont have that right anyway, but Mistress is by nature monogamous and She would much rather i be there. Given that i cant, i encourage Mistress to make the most of Her private life and live accordingly. i know Mistress has multiple aproaches from subs that want Her collar and the offer of vanilla relationships as well and i struggle with this. As i type this Mistress has a submissive cleaning Her garage. i called Her earlier but for whatever reason i felt like i was intruding and the call didnt last long. i have no reason to think that anything else is happening but the imagination can create some very large unwanted demons. Jealousy is a horrible emotion, but so difficult to hold at bay.
So i suppose that there You have it, a LDR in my opinion seems to be of two extremes, incredible highs and abysmal lows, it is lucky that Mistress and i have so much in common for the rest of the time that allows us to function as friends and partners.

Feeling Down

2006-09-04T08:28:00.000-04:00

Its the monday morning of a long weekend and the weather here has sucked all weekend. i was supposed to play golf this morning and after waking up and looking at the grey skies i decided that a pot of coffee and and my laptop had more appeal, besides, i got soaked playing golf yesterday.
One of the things that i really have come to appreciate when i visit Mistress is the sky. i never realized how much a grey sky can bring a person down. The New Mexico sky is invariably blue and sunny whereas a Canadian sky, particularly in the winter can be that monotonous grey, day after day and it can really get you down. Having said that, the 2 or 3 weeks that we get in October when the leaves are changing i think are irreplaceable.
i was at a party last night and was enjoying myself, the bonfire was bright and there were a couple of guitars (its amazing how nostalgic we can be about bad music) when i got one of those stifling bolts of melancholy. i really wished that Mistress could be with me at that point. Now i wish this a lot believe me but sometimes the feelings get so strong that it is an almost physical sensation. Anyway, i decided at that point to come home and call Her and enjoy my misery.
Mistress and i met on line 4 years ago and and it has been an incredible experience. The realationship has evolved in many ways and among other things we are now business partners. (She says that i have been bought and paid for *grin*) i couldnt tell you how many times that i have travelled down there, although every week would not be enough. Mistress is a truly outstanding conversationalist and has a voice that She could make a fortune with on a 1-900 number and She loves to tease me sexually doing it. The net result of phone sex and not being allowed to cum and not being allowed to touch without Her permission is that i am quite naturally always horny as hell. i am not caged and therefore, there is a huge burden of trust placed on me not to cheat. Good job i'm perfect i think. *grin*
i will be down there again in 2 1/2 weeks and i cant wait. i suspect there will be changes this trip as one of the things that we have discussed a lot is the fulfillment of certain fantasies that i have, not the day to day ones that are perhaps relatively commonplace but the private embarassing ones that i keep locked up inside. In an evolving relationship little tiny steps lead to bigger ones and i am amazed at how my kinks have changed since our time together. Anal for instance. Once upon a time i would have run a mile at the suggestion, but now i actually crave the act as i feel that it exemplifies the power that Mistress has over me. There are others which i may or may not share but it is strange that in a faceless electronic world that i still feel embarrassed to share them here. Mistress states though "i belong to Her and therefore i must offer Her everything." Anyway i will do my best to share things when i am down there, assuming of course that i am allowed the computer time. Mistress feels quite strongly that by drawing these fantasies out of me and making me admit and face them She controls a humiliating act and by doing so brings me more and more under Her control. i am really not sure if this is true but based on what we have experienced so far i believe Her to be right. The ultimate humiliation perhaps is that after She has drawn it out of me and we have experienced it, She then witholds it and allows it only at her discretion usually making me beg for something that i find terribly embarrassing to begin with. What this does of course is strengthen Her hold on me and my dependence on Her.
As She is so fond of saying with that big smile, "all i have to do keep Her happy".
The sun is coming out, it would seem that things are brightening after all!

Posts and thoughts

2006-08-31T14:31:00.000-04:00

i read two blog posts yesterday both of which really stuck with me for different reasons. Destiny and chance was one that struck me as being so honest and down to earth in a way that i found really refreshing. The other was by Goddess Aradia where She told of an incident in which Her slave acted in such a way that She was less than satisfied with. It is the second that got me thinking in a way that i felt pertained to me and things that i had done in the past. i absolutely do not mean to imply that i know the answer to what happened between them, merely that it got me thinking of my own situation and things that i had done.
There have been times where i have felt the leash chafing on me even though it is something that i want and desire and i have lashed out. i do not mean in a physical sense but in a withholding way. i have sulked, not laughed at Mistresses jokes and answered questions with one word answers. In short i have been petty and spiteful and i completely admit it. Now i know that it used to upset Mistress and She called it sulking. i admit i was completely out of line but there were times i just couldnt help it, i wanted to lash out and this terrible streak of obstinacy would just kick in and i couldnt do anything about it.
Looking back i am amazed at how much patience Mistress showed with my petulant outbursts and in my own mind i never ever lost my feelings toward Her, its just that i would get these irrational bursts of obstinacy every so often that i just couldn't control. i think that looking back we were still evolving in the Mistress/slave relationship and that it was taking me longer than Her to get there. One theory that i have is that although i mouthed the words i really hadnt accepted them. Those words being that She was the owner and that i was owned. i think that i was using my head as a refuge, my last line of defence so to speak as if to say that while Mistress controlled my body, my head was still mine. It is not a period of time that i am proud of and yet i somehow feel that is was an integral part of our growth together, i tend to be an aggresive confident person and i had to truly believe that i couldnt "top" or manipulate Her.
i wrote a blog entry a while back about the whipping so i wont reiterate what i said but i think the ultimate lesson from that was that i couldnt give Her a part of me and withhold another part. The whipping was because Mistress got fed up with my sulking and decided that enough was enough. Immediately after the whipping i realized that i had two choices, one was to leave Her and the other was to be prepared to offer Mistress all of me because if i didnt, i would be feeling the whip again and believe me that is something that i never want to have happen. i now fully knew that Mistress would not accept anything less than all of me.
It would seem that it took an intense physical reaction from Mistress and Goddess Aradia to create a mindset that they wanted and i actually wonder if this is a normal predictable behaviour from a male slave. Maybe it is, but i know that i never intend to get whipped again.

San Franciso

2006-08-30T20:40:00.000-04:00

I'm toying with the idea of taking my slave to the Fulsom (sp?) Fair in San Francisco in September. But it seems like it would be incredibly expensive to do even for a short space of time. Does any one have any suggestions on where to stay that would be reasonable close and not seven million dollars? Does anyone have any experience with the fair itself? Is it worth it?

Oh I'm writing under jssubc's account since blogspot has refused to recognize I exist for some reason. I have all his passwords, his bank accounts, his email accounts etc. Not that I use 'em much but it's fun to have.

Mistress Jen

Links

2006-08-26T09:16:00.000-04:00

i have to begin by stating that i am a complete and utter computer idiot, Mistress constantly laughs at my ineptitude in front of a keyboard and with just cause. Mistress knows that i like to read other blogs and offered last night to put other links to my favourites on my page. i thought for a moment and declined Her offer. My reasoning is quite simple. i read a lot of other blogs with varying frequency but i really do not want to offend anyone by leaving them out, and quite frankly some blogs come and go relatively quickly and i really cant be bothered to maintain them.
i do not watch or enjoy television except for sports and sufffice it to say that i really do enjoy reading others peoples thoughts and experiences.
So i will not put up links to other blogs but i would like to offer everyone who takes the time to write a blog and those who post the comments a very sincere thank You.

Pleasing

2006-08-24T22:00:00.000-04:00

i have a read a couple of blog entries recently debating the need for denial and control in feeding the submissives desire to please. For the most part i tend to agree with them and would not suggest otherwise. However, i thought about this a fair bit and i also wondered could this truly happen without the submissives desire to serve and please to begin with. i discussed this with Mistress and we basically agreed that although it is easier and more enjoyable for Mistress to control me when i am excited to the point that mike tyson looks appealing it just wouldnt happen unless i had that innate desire to serve in the first place. Where this desire comes from i have no clue, but i would hazard a guess that genetics have something to do with it, that and a very bossy mother. That subject is best left to those much smarter than i.
There is one more facet though i would like to add is the DEPTH of the desire to please. i try very very hard to please Mistress in everything i do and i get angry with myself when i do not think that i have served Her as best i could. i dont mean at times when i am exhausted or in full work mode but when Mistress has asked me to do something and i fail to live up to Her expectations. Now i am not a perfectionist and She does not set unreachable standards but i do get upset when i am found wanting.
Case in point, from the very beginning i told Mistress that i wanted to please Her sexually better than She could please Herself. This wasnt a boast or an ego thing it was just a fact and i truly wanted wanted to please Her to the extent that even though i was Her slave i was a valuable one. Mistress will attest that i often ask her if i can do things better, and can She help me which of course is in Her interest that She does. it took a while and many many attempts but after one particularly memorable ocasion She sank back on the bed and uttered (and i quote) "oh my fucking god". My smile was huge i am sure, and i felt so good knowing that i had pleased Her so completely and my rush of pleasure was overpowering. As Mistress Julia says in Her hpnosis MP3's, to please Mistress is to obey Mistress and to obey Mistress is to feel pleasure.
Anyway, i believe that denial has a lot to do with setting the mindset but the actual desire to serve and the level of the act comes from another place. i am truly addicted to Mistresses smile of pleasure at seeing Her house gleaming and i am addicted to hearing Her moans of pleasure as She climaxes, come to think of it i am addicted to Her.

Tension on the Bow

2006-08-21T21:01:00.000-04:00

On a previous blog i mused on how practical it was to maintain a high level of intensity in a 24/7 relationship. Mistress and i had been discussing an experiment to conduct between us when i go down next month, when chris (http://livingbyherpleasure.blogspot.com/) used an interesting metaphor when he wondered how one could keep the "tension on thebow" and i agree with him.
Anyway, Mistress decided to proceed with this experiment and i wasnt going to blog it until after it happened but i thought perhaps an outline of what was planned might be in order. Our plan is relatively simple in that, for a 24 hour period Mistress and i will undertake a period of "absolute obedience". This basically refers to formalizing our roles, i will not be allowed to make eye contact, cannot turn my back on Her, no speaking unless spoken to. (thats gonna be tough for me) There are many other rules which i wont go into but suffice it say that it will be extremely difficult not to make any Mistakes. There will be a zero tolerance policy and Mistress assures me that any transgressions will be dealt with swiftly and harshly.
When i go into subspace i always want to go deeper and and yet i know not how to achieve it. i am curious as to whether this excercise will achieve that. i am also curious as to what effect punishment will have as i really dislike pain and there are to many rules not to make a mistake. Perhaps the biggest curiosity on my part is whether this will do anything to my submissive feelings or indeed if it will have the opposite effect. Mistress has Her own reasons for doing this and whether or not She will blog them i cannot say but i do think the whole experiment will be an interesting one.
Cant wait to try it!

A Rude Awakening

2006-08-19T00:30:00.000-04:00

i got a bit of a wake up call tonight. i was chatting online with Mistress and She told me to be available for Her at a certain time to which i casually responded by asking if She had made plans. i have to admit i was i thrown for a loop with the reply as Mistresses response was to tell me that She was meeting a sub for breakfast, going to a picnic in the afternoon and had plans for dinner, my time was to be between engagements two and three. i am quite proud of the fact that i remained calm and didnt respond but i really was shocked. As i have said in the past Mistress and i talk for hours every day and i had thought that we shared everything, so to have this heavy an agenda thrown at me the night before was surprising to say the least. i have no thoughts that this is wrong, in fact i completely encourage and support Mistress in Her social life. What i am struggling with, (and i have been sitting here for an hour mulling it over), is the casual indifference of Mistress in the way She told me. Not only did Mistress not feel the need to tell me ahead of time but She made no effort to enlighten me as to what kind of occassions they were. i have no concept whether these are dates, work functions, old school friends or anything else. This really preys on my insecurities.
Herein i think lies my main struggle with being a slave. Mistress apparently did not feel the need tell me of Her plans or who they were with, obviously She feels secure enough in Her authority that She feels that if She wanted me to know She would tell me. For someone like myself who is so used to being in charge daily it is a very humbling experience and a huge lesson in humility. It is perhaps the most definitive lesson for me in slavery in that Mistress not only controls me but also the information that She will give me. This, to me is the ultimate demostration of owership and i have to admit it can be hard to accept. i have always fantasized about being under this level of control but when faced with the reality it really is a jolt.
i guess, it is as the saying goes, "be careful what you wish for"

Absence Makes the Heart ...........

2006-08-15T20:39:00.000-04:00

i have become a bit of a blog junkie and one of the feelings that i have been struggling with is the jealousy of those that are living the 24/7 lifestyle. i only get to spend a few weeks with Mistress every 2-3 months and it can be so lonely and frustrating when we are not together.
There are to be sure, plusses and minuses in this kind of long distance relationship and there are facets to it that are intriguing. We spend hours on the on the phone every day, literally, and while i love talking to Her it can be so frustrating because i know how good being together is and i cannot help but compare. i find it amusing that i once stated that slipping into subspace on the telephone would be impossible, boy did i get to eat my words, it happens daily and i couldnt resist if i wanted to. The hardest time for me is leaving to come back. i go into a deep malaise which i call the "crash". It is incredibly difficult to go from a two or three week high to a state where all i want to do is crawl into bed and stay there. It is not that different a feeling from depression and i know, i have been treated for it in the past. As i say it takes a week or so to recover but it is a long miserable week. Compounding this is the fact fact that i know of least four submissive males who would like to serve Her and have made their overtures plain but to this point Mistress has rejected them. This situation really plays on my insecurities and arouses my jealousy even though up to now Mistress has shown no interest in others, and in theory a slave doesnt have the right to be jealous .....yeah right!
Contrary to this gloomy point of view is the time that we are together. Every time that we are it feels so new, so fresh, so exciting! It is as if we are on a permanent honeymoon and we *&^( like rabbits! *grins* (except i dont get to cum of course) It really is an intense period of time together where i work like a dog, (and fetch like one) i serve Mistress constantly in every capacity and i absolutely love it. If i am honest with myself i have to wonder if i/we could maintain that level of intensity. i wonder how 24/7 BDSM couples adjust to this lifestyle or is like a traditional marriage where we gradually sttle into our comfort zones. i get differing opinions on this as i read other blogs.
i smile at other subs as i see them describe their fantasies and blithely asssume that a Dominant woman will go along with it. Perhaps they will and perhaps they wont but if my Mistress is anything to go by they will do it when, and because they want to, not because i want to. My point here is that i really do everything for Her when i am there, both good and bad and we both love it, it is a true Mistress/slave relationship yet i hold no illusions that this is a lifestyle that could be sustained if we lived together. At least not at that level.
Well, who knows, maybe someone will walk in tomorrow and make me an offer for the company and i can pack up and leave and answer all of these questions myself.

All Tied Up

2006-08-12T21:23:00.000-04:00

i did have another "first" on the trip to experience and ponder when Mistress decided to go for Her girl Guide rope tying merit badge. i, of course was the object of Her knot fetish. Surprise surprise!
i dont Mistress had intended anything but She began by having me lay on my back sideways across the bed and just sort of improvised. Mistress had dressed me with thigh and ankle cuffs and pulling my ankles into my thighs attached them to each other with clips. This of course locked my legs but i still was able to move my knees up and down. i could now see Mistresses imagination going into overdrive as She tied rope to my knees and stretching them apart tied them to the bedposts. immobilized below the waist with my knees spread widely in a very exposed position. i think i looked a frog in a grade 9 science experiment.
Mistress was now enjoying Herself and proceeded to pull my arms behind my head and tied them to the bedposts. i have to admit i was impressed by Her ingenuity as my shoulders and head were locked tight. Mistress even used bondage tape to press my fingers together as well as my feet. The net result was that once the blindfold went on i literally could not see or move. Mistress told me that i had two minutes to get free or i would be cropped. i never realized before how important some kind of leverage is when i am restrained. i truly tried hard but i had nowhere to go or the ability to create some kind of movement in the knots.
Mistress has tied me many times in the past and to this point i never understood how reassuring little things like clenching my fists are, but when Your fingers are taped and you cant even move them it is extremely disconcerting to be that helpless. Mistress didnt crop me of course but i have learned not to take that chance and i assume that She will if She says so. What Mistress did instead was stimulate me. Kisses all over, licks to my most sensitve spots stimulation with Her fingers, in short She made my body feel like it was on fire. Imagine being so completely restrained that you can move nothing and this lovely woman teasing you over and over and laughing as you beg and plead for relief. i thought i was going to explode but i couldnt and Mistress wasnt about to let me. The whole scene was so humiliating and yet so pleasurable and to be so helpless and rigid ...... i have never experienced anything like it.
Every time in the past that i have felt this excited and slid into subspace i have always been able to shake my head or clench my fists or something, and i never realized how much i used physical gestures to help disperse the tensions i was undergoing. To be so tightly restrained though is a whole new world and i strongly suggest that everyone try it!

That Horrible Pluggy Thing

2006-08-09T15:57:00.000-04:00

Ok so first things first, i admit flat out that i am an anal virgin and a pain weenie so when Mistress decided we were going to experiment with anal i immediately rolled under the bed to hide. The poor cat never knew what squashed him.
After 5 minutes of contemplation in the shade and a couple of claw marks from the cat i deftly dodged the crop and presented myself for this new experience. Now i know that Mistress has been curious about using a strap on and has owned the harness and appendage for a while, She feels that it would be best for me to adjust slowly. Staring at this horrible black thing for a minute i really wondered how on Earth it was going to fit into me. Now i have been called a big A*****E many times, but still, i really thought that this thing looked very painful. i really do have to admit that Mistress was very gentle and patient as She worked it into me although my gushing tears didnt seem to have any effect on Her. We found that standing up and leaning forward seemed to precipitate its entry. It was painful as it went in and thank heaven for lube. As a side note i have to think that its a good job that women bear the children or our race would be extinct, i just cant imagine a man going through that streching more than once.
Once it was in it really wasnt that bad. Mildly uncomfortable but not incapacitating, and i was able to complete my chores quite easily. Yes i agree, Mistress should have let me relax and adjust to this state for my very first time. *grins*
We did it again a couple of days later and Mistress had me serve Her sexually, and i have to admit this did get interesting. When i am inside of Her it turns out that i have a habit of flexing my cheek muscles, (no not my face though there is a similarity) which caused an unexpected flash of pleasure as i did. Now i have no idea how this was happening, the only thing we could surmise was that the plug was the perfect length to reach my prostate as i flexed and when i relaxed it couldnt. Now remember how long it has been since release and know that punishment is severe if i cum without permission and here i am inside my Mistress and this damn plug is bumping my prostate every time i push. Now i know why god invented alcohol!
The experience was perhaps the most intense sexual experience i have ever had. i was desperate, i wanted release and i couldnt have it. i kept having to pull out which amused Mistress enormously and with a couple of "dont you dares" from Her, She finally allowed me to relax. i think perhaps it was my blithering idiot personna that persuaded Her to relent. It truly was a mind blowing experience. As an aside i remember how srongly i wanted Her to hurt me while it was hapening and i really have no idea where that came from but i wished She would use the crop on me or something as it happened.
The third time we tried the plug was a disaster. We tried a different position and i lay on my back and Mistress tried to insert it slowly. i knew instantly that something wasnt right and i desperately tried to relax and allow it in but the pain was incredible. i thought i was going to throw up, literally. My pain was obvious and Mistress immedeiately stopped and was very sympathetic and caring. So sympathetic that i think i should have tried that approach before now. No, wait, it didnt work with the whipping. Never mind *grins*
Anyway, it would seem that some patience is required before venturing to the strap on stage which when i think of the experiences we had, has its good and bad points.

This could be good!

2006-08-08T22:09:00.000-04:00

found this on Lady Julias blog and i thought that perhaps the right persuasion could get Mistress to let me join, *grins*

http://www.alexhirka.com/OWO.html

By the way does anyone know how i switched to fancy script here?

Orgasms and long term memory

2006-08-08T14:48:00.000-04:00

Mistress ran a tongue in cheek poll about allowing me a full orgasm which fortunately from my point of view was met with stony silence. Well, except for Jon Green who most definitely has a sense of humour. The post in itself made me think quite a bit about ejaculating and how it effects me. First of all (and yes i sound like a broken record) i have not had a full ejaculatory orgasm in 9 months now. i have not been milked in a few weeks and i am now desperate, really desperate. The situation is such that i am not allowed to touch without permission and we "play" every day by phone when we are not together, either way i am now concerned that i'm going to go blind or something unless i get some kind of relief. Being apart from each other the temptation to cheat can be overwhelming but Mistress assures me that She will know by my tone and demeanour if i do, and besides, betraying Her trust is not something to consider seriously. The other temptation is to have an "accident" when we are playing and take the consequences. Now this would involve punishment but again the hardest part for me would be the guilt associated with the betrayal of trust.
There are times when i wonder how good a true orgasm would feel after this amount of time and surely the drop afterwards would be of a short duration. On the other side i am truly addicted to feeling this needy, submissive and tender toward Mistress, to the point that i do not want to give it up even for a day. From an analytical point of view i am truly curious as to why denial feeds the need to submit so strongly. i know that i am submissive, and would be to Mistress, even if i had release 3 times a day every day. Yet i puzzle as to what it is in a submissive males libido that intensifies the feelings so strongly with denial.
i do not like being milked, i find it a very uncomfortable feeling and leaves me with an incredible desire for release yet i know i just have and it would physically uncomfortable to try. This feeling coupled with the intense mental pleasure of being denied has quite accidentally created a contest of wills between us. Mistress wants me to beg to be milked and i dont want to. From my point of view i just assumed that Mistress would milk me when She thought it appropriate but it would seem that She wants to add a little touch of humiliation by having me beg for something i dont like. i really didn't intend for this to happen but i have been holding off for as long as i can. Mistress has been laughing at me as She says and i quote, "you're going to beg sooner or later so why not do it now?" She is of course correct and i know that i am only amusing Her more but holding off because She enjoys my little stands when of course She always wins anyway. The fact of the matter is though, that i have this stubborn streak in me that rises to the surface and sometimes causes me problems like the odd whipping. *sigh*
i suspect that i will be raising the white flag very shortly and the toughest part will be hearing Mistresses smug laugh when She knows She has won yet again. That and the collar just got a little tighter.

Vote Here

2006-08-03T18:19:00.000-04:00

Okay just for fun I thought I'd take a poll. Simple yes or no is fine but opinion is good too:

Slave pointed out to me that it has been more than 9 months since he last had a normal ejacultion. He's been milked, and had neo's (a few) but he hasn't cum.

So...what do you think...should I let him?

Mistress Jen

WaterSports

2006-08-02T22:30:00.000-04:00

Okay before I get to the above topic I want to talk about my slave in a purely physical sense. If I were going to describe my slave physically and I couldn't say the usual things like...sexy, handsome, furry (grins)...the one word I would use to describe him is:

Powerful

My slave is strong. I could tell you endless stories about this but suffice it to say that if he doesn't want me to move him. I simply can't move him. Period. I'm not saying that he's gonna beat a 22 year old fullback from Indiana but he is the strongest man I have ever been with. Now, I'm not particularly in shape anymore but I am not fat, nor chubby even and I used to be a dancer and I'm no weakling. Slave is powerful.

So...

Everyday. Every single day...my first morning (ahem--sorry here) pee...was on his head in the shower. Now lets be clear here. I am not "into" watersports and slave most certianally isn't. I have never done anything like this before and I can't imagine it in any other context (like in the living room or something) but!!!!!

There is something about the power of doing this. The power of knowing that this person, this man, could take me down in an instant. He could break me and he wouldn't have taken a deep breath. But he doesn't. He bends to my will. My will in something that he personally doesn't like...and worse something he knows that I am doing ONLY for the power of it.

He said he found it an almost calming experience (those weren't his exact words I can't remember them exactly). But that he simply had to submit and it sort of put everything into perspective.

I don't know that I will ever make a point of doing it again...but...well I highly reccomend it at least a few times.

Hard

2006-08-02T18:48:00.000-04:00

I have a lot to say...but like my slave (as my slave?) I find it hard to put my thoughts down on "paper" at times like this.

One thing that is true for both of us is that we get tremendous energy from each other. We are MORE when we are together then when we are apart. We wake up earlier, eat better, get more done. We play and work and achieve MORE. So in addition to the natural sadness of missing someone I also am lethargic, slow, tired, ineffective and generally out-of-sorts. (not to mention extra-repetitive).

Being alone in my house was a really good experience for my slave. He thought he was going to have a great time. Time all to himself. Beer! Wings! In fact he got a very tidy lesson on being lonely.

I had been trying for sometime to explain to him how alone I feel. He has always sort of taken this as my indirectly expressed desire to have an additional slave. When I've said I don't want another slave, but I want to get out there and do stuff he has felt that I'm protecting him, hedging my bets as it were. I know he understands now that I have no desire for another...yet being in my house by myself is boring and hard. If nothing else I'm really glad he had the experience. Understanding always brings you closer.

As it happens I've had not one, but two inquiry's into my availability, both vanilla, in the few days since he left. On the way to take him to the airport my slave made me promise him that I would not turn down an opportunity soley for him. That I would not "protect" him. I know that he was able to ask that of me because he understands my desire is not to have sex, replace him, find a "newer" model (his fear, not mine) but rather just to have people to interact with to have a social life to have fun. To be me. I'm glad he gets it now. If I ever want to cuckhold him I'll be upfront about it. *grins wickedly*

Anyway. I'm rambling here. We are both down. I'd gotten so used to him cooking for me he had to walk me through a recipe over the phone. I'd gotten so used getting my coffee in the morning I actually had to think about how to turn the pot on...and I gave up entirely after I couldn't find the filters. I miss his big hands at my disposal and the way his eyes close when I let him kiss my feet. I miss the way he smells after I have used the flogger on him and he has a whiff of leather on him. I miss having my shower run for me and my shoes lined up at the door. I miss his sly jokes and the way his eyes dance when he has pulled a fast one. I miss the way he calls me "princess" at work, since he can't call me Mistress. I miss handing him a dollar so he can buy a soda. I miss my slave. I miss my slave. I miss my slave. I miss my slave.